Funniest Jokes and Stories
about Men and Women

(as far as I know, un-attributed)

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Disclaimer : Even though this is a "spiritual" web site, I believe ALL humor has its place (as they say "laughter" is the best medicine for a reason). The following "jokes" may very well be irreverent, raunchy, rude, insensitive, incorrect, offensive and tasteless (if not darn right bad), but no matter - try to suspend judgement... and enjoy.

The Funniest First Date Story EVER !
If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
She said it was midwinter... Snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started
peeing. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concern s about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off" and in need of some assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.
So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was embarrassing.
Jay Leno's comment... "This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off!"
Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

A WOMAN'S POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

A MAN'S POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This doesn't
rhyme and I don't give a shit.
The End

THE GOOD NAPKINS (The joys of having girls).

My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake).
One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar.
I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping ''napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen? Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for 'special occasions' (her second mistake).

Now fast forward a few months..... It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.
When they returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a 'special occasion' Kotex napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn't hang off the edge!
My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter. 'But, Mom, you said they were for special occasions!' Pass this on to your girlfriends who need a good laugh or anyone who has a daughter! Life is too short for drama & petty things, laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly....and for heavens sake, use the special napkins whenever you can!

Women on Menopause

Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?
Woman's Answer:
One! ONLY ONE!!!!
And do you know WHY?
Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the # &%! * light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !!
I'm sorry. What was the question?

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in your city, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the product increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with housework, and have a strong romantic personality.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes on to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this Floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner also opened a New Wives Store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

Male or Female?

You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS:
They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS:
These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.

TIRES:
Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

HOT AIR BALLOONS:
Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES:
These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES:
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS:
Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people..

EGG TIMERS:
Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom .

HAMMERS:
Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL:
Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying

CLASSES FOR MEN
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

topics include:
Class 1
How To Fill Ice Cube Trays
Step by Step Guide with Slide Presentation.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll - Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?
Group Practice.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Basket and The Floor
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.

Class 5
After Dinner Dishes - Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink by Themselves ?
Examples on Video. Debate Among A Panel Of Experts

Class 6
Loss Of Identity/Virility - Losing The Remote Control To Your Significant Other.
Help Line and Support Groups.

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things - Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum .

Class 8
Health Watch - Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost
Real Life Testimonial From One Man Who Did.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.

Class 11
Living With Adults - Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and Role-Playing.

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion.
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy - Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and
Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven - What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.

Class 15
Empty Milk Cartons - Do They Belong In The Fridge Or The Trash Bin?
Group Discussion and Roll Playing.

Class 16
Getting Over It - Learing How To Cope With Being Wrong All The Time.
Individual Counselling Sessions.

THE GUYS RULES
Finally, the guys' side of the story.
We always hear "the rules" from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note! these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1). Men are NOT mind readers.
1). Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1). Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1). Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1). Crying is blackmail.
1). Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1). Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1). Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1). A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.
1). Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1). If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1). If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1). If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1). You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1). Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1). Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1). ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1). If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1). If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1). If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1). Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as CARS, the shotgun formation, or BASKETBALL.
1) You have enough clothes.
1). You have too many shoes.
1). I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1). Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
(But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping).

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
Men Are Just Happier People - What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put

The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.

Getting A Hairdryer Through Customs

A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'
'Of course child. What can I do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electric hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

Three men were hiking through a forest...when they came upon a large raging, violent river.
Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed:
'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.
Poof!!!
God gave him big arms and strong legs...
and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours,having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed:
'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river'
Poof!!!
God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs...
and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed:
'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river'
Poof!!!

HE WAS TURNED INTO A WOMAN!!!

She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards upstream...
and walked across the bridge

Guys, if at first you don't succeed, do it the way your wife told you!
Have a wonderful Woman's Day !!! ( I know it's late,but it was too good to pass by ! )
GO AHEAD, SEND THIS TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH
AND TO ANY MAN WHO CAN HANDLE IT!

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
"I'd like to be six again," she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster... everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
"I meant my Dress Size, you dummy !"
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is going to get it wrong.

When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll Inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.

Black Testicles
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse, 'he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed,the young nurse replies 'I don't know,Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently. Then, she takes a close look and says,
'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k?

Subject: Best divorce letter Ever

Dear wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever! the case, I'm gone. Your Ex-Husband
PS. don't try to find me.. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband;
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica , but when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

Two ways to look at everything

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked my wife, "Do you know him?"
"Yes," she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said to my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
So you see, there really are 2 ways to look at everything

The Black Bra
(as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,
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"What's for dinner, Zorro?"

What'd you say?

FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING: This means something, and you should be on your toes. Nothing is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. Nothing usually signifies an argument that will last Five Minutes and end with the word Fine.

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over Nothing, and will end with the word Fine.

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows): This means, I give up! or do what you want because I don't care. You will get a Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead In just a few minutes, followed by nothing and Fine and she will talk to you In about Five Minutes when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH: This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often misunderstood by men. A Loud Sigh means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over nothing.

SOFT SIGH: Again, not a word, but a nonverbal statement. Soft Sighs mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. That's Okay means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. That's Okay is often used with the word Fine and in conjunction with a Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead. At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO.: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a That's Okay. THANKS: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT: This is much different from Thanks. A woman will say, Thanks A Lot when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the Loud Sigh. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the Loud Sigh, as she will only tell you Nothing.

Send this to the men you know to warn them about future arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.

HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY
All you have to do is to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father figure
6. a teacher
7. an educator
8. a cook
9. a gardener
10. a carpenter
11. a driver
12. an engineer
13. a mechanic
14. an interior decorator
15. a stylist
16. a sex therapist
17. a gynecologist/obstetrician
18. a psychologist
19. a psychiatrist
20. a therapist
21. a good father
22. a gentleman
23. well organized
24. tidy
25. very clean
26. athletic
27. affectionate
28. affable
29. attentive
30. ambitious
31. amenable
32. articulate
33. bold
34. brave
35. creative
36. courageous
37. complimentary
38. capable
39. decisive
40. intelligent
41. imaginative
42. interesting
43. prudent
44. patient
45. polite
46. passionate
AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST PAY ATTENTION TO MAKE SURE YOU:
47. are neither jealous nor disinterested
48. get on well with her family, but don't spend more time with them than with her
49. give her space, but show interest and concern in where she goes
ABOVE ALL IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO:
50. Not forget the dates of: * anniversaries (wedding, engagement, first date...) * graduation * birthday * menstruation. However, even if you observe the above instructions perfectly, you are not 100% guaranteed that she will be happy, as she could one day feel overcome with the suffocating perfection of her life with you and run off with the first wild bastard-bohemian-drunk- bon viveur she meets.

GETTING OLDER - WHAT TO DO?
All drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic name.
Example; the trade name is Tylenol and it's generic name is Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT'nDO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them

.Eight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female... Any part under a car's hood.
Male... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it..

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND;

He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said... You wear pants don't you?

He said... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said... They don't have time

He said... How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said... We don't know, it has never happened.

He said... Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good-looking?
She said... They already have boyfriends.

She said... What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said... A widow.

He said... Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT

and finally
HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A FLY
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
And you probably thought this would be dirty... shame on YOU!!

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