Funniest Jokes and Stories
about Men and Women
(as far as I know, un-attributed)
though this is a "spiritual" web site, I believe ALL humor has its
place (as they say "laughter" is the best medicine for a
following "jokes" may very well be irreverent,
raunchy, rude, insensitive, incorrect,
tasteless (if not darn right bad), but no matter -
try to suspend judgement... and enjoy.
The Funniest First Date Story EVER !
you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down
when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first
date or not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake Jay
Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date
that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date
experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took
She said it was midwinter... Snowing and quite cold...and
the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City,
Utah. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all,
and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively
uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were
driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize
that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour
away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her
companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.
Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a
point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside
the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and
she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and
peeing. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so
she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her
companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed
was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think
about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of
the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another
sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered
her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of
tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to
disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that
she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her
plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her
date's concern s about "what is taking so long" with a reply that
indeed, she was "freezing her butt off" and in need of some assistance!
He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater
and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out
laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to
compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical
as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both
agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the
grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the
predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was
only one way to get her free.
So, as she looked the other way, her
first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the
fender. As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight
Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you
thought your first date was embarrassing.
Jay Leno's comment... "This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off!"
Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was
sitting next to her on the Leno show.
A WOMAN'S POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This doesn't
rhyme and I don't give a shit.
(The joys of having girls).
My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first
One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was
read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping
''napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen? Not
wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those
were for 'special occasions' (her second mistake).
fast forward a few months..... It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are
leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner. Mom had
assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the
they returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burst into
laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came
my father, who roared with laughter. Then came Mom, who almost died of
embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a
'special occasion' Kotex napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully
arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn't
hang off the edge!
My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent
the other adults into further fits of laughter. 'But, Mom, you said
they were for special occasions!'
Pass this on to your girlfriends who need a good laugh or anyone who
has a daughter! Life is too short for drama & petty things,
laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly....and for heavens sake,
use the special napkins whenever you can!
Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?
One! ONLY ONE!!!!
And do you know WHY?
Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb!
They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in
the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they
figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the # &%! * light
bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the
past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find
them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the
STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH
IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO
ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE
HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP
THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS
PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER
I'm sorry. What was the question?
store that sells new husbands has just opened in your city, where a
woman may go to choose a husband. Among the
the entrance is a description of how the store
visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and
product increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
The shopper may
choose any item from a particular floor, or may
choose to go up to the
next floor, but you cannot go back down except to
exit the building!
a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a
the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 -
These men have jobs.
second floor sign reads:
2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
third floor sign reads:
3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are
Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to
keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the
Floor 4 -
These men have jobs,
love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with
mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men
have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help
with housework, and
have a strong romantic personality.
She is so
tempted to stay, but she goes on to the sixth
floor and the
- You are visitor 31,456,012 to this Floor. There
are no men
on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof
that women are
impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the
avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner also
opened a New Wives Store
just across the
The first floor
has wives that love sex.
The second floor has
love sex and have money.
The third through sixth
never been visited.
Male or Female?
You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living
actually either male or female. Here are some
They are male, because they hold everything in, but
you can see right
These are female, because once turned off; it takes a
while to warm
them up again. They are an effective reproductive
device if the right
buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you
push the wrong
Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are
often over inflated
HOT AIR BALLOONS:
Also a male object, because to get them to go
anywhere, you have to
light a fire under their butt.
These are female, because they are soft, squeezable
and retain water.
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and
getting hit on.
Definitely male, because they always use the same old
lines for picking
Egg timers are female because, over time, all the
weight shifts to the
Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly
changed at all,
and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL:
Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but
It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without
it, and while he
doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just
NOTE: DUE TO THE
COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES
WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
How To Fill Ice Cube Trays
Step by Step Guide with Slide Presentation.
The Toilet Paper Roll - Does It Change Itself?
Is It Possible To
Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Basket and
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
After Dinner Dishes - Can They Levitate and Fly Into
Kitchen Sink by Themselves ?
Examples on Video. Debate Among A
Panel Of Experts
Identity/Virility - Losing The Remote Control To Your
Help Line and Support Groups.
How To Find Things - Starting With Looking In The
Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum .
Health Watch - Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Men Ask For Directions When Lost
Real Life Testimonial From One Man Who Did.
Is It Genetically
Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Living With Adults -
Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and
How to be the Ideal
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and
How to Fight
Cerebral Atrophy - Remembering Birthdays,
Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be
Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
The Stove/Oven - What It Is and How It Is Used.
Empty Milk Cartons
- Do They Belong In The Fridge Or The Trash Bin?
Discussion and Roll Playing.
Over It - Learing How To Cope With Being Wrong All The
Finally, the guys' side of the story.
always hear "the rules" from the female side.
Now here are the
rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
note! these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
are NOT mind readers.
Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If
it's up, put it
down. We need it up, you need it down. You
hear us complaining
about you leaving it down.
1). Sunday sports. It's
like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let
Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going
to think of it that
1). Crying is blackmail.
Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work! Obvious
hints do not work! Just say it!
1). Yes and
No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
Come to us with a problem only if you want help
solving it. That's what
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a
Problem. See a doctor.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an
all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls,
don't Expect us to
act like soap opera guys.
1). If you think you're
fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
something we said can be interpreted two ways and
one of the ways makes
you sad or angry, we meant the other one
can either ask us to do something or tell us how you
want it done. Not
If you already know best how to do it, just do it
1). Whenever possible, Please say whatever
you have to say during commercials.
Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default
for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is
also a fruit. We have
no idea what mauve is.
1). If it itches, it will be
scratched. We do that.
If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We
will act like
We know you are lying, but it is
just not worth the
1). If you ask a question you don't want an
answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you
are prepared to
discuss such topics as CARS, the shotgun
formation, or BASKETBALL.
have enough clothes.
1). You have too many shoes.
I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1). Thank you for
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch
(But did you know men really don't mind
that? It's like camping).
MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
Are Just Happier People - What do you expect
from such simple
creatures? Your last name stays put
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a
white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
have to drive to another gas station restroom
because this one is just
You don't have to stop and think of which way to
turn a nut
on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
$5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're
talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the
slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he
or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never
have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your
Everything on your face stays its original color.
hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your
face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one
color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of
choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for
25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
A Hairdryer Through Customs
A young woman on a
flight from Ireland asked the priest
beside her, 'Father,
may I ask a favor?'
'Of course child. What can I do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electric hair
dryer for my
Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the
and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any
way you could carry
it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn
you: I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go
ahead of her.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have
nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so he
asked, 'And what do you
have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used
on a woman, but
which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead,
hiking through a forest...when they came upon a
large raging, violent
Needing to get to the other side, the first man
'God, please give me the strength to cross the
God gave him big arms and strong legs...
and he was able to swim across in about 2
hours,having almost drowned
After witnessing that, the second man prayed:
'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross
God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong
and he was able to row across in about an hour after
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third
'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the
cross the river'
HE WAS TURNED INTO A WOMAN!!!
She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards
and walked across the bridge
Guys, if at first you don't succeed, do it the way
your wife told you!
Have a wonderful Woman's Day !!! ( I know it's
late,but it was too good
to pass by ! )
GO AHEAD, SEND THIS TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS A GOOD
AND TO ANY MAN WHO CAN HANDLE IT!
sitting on the edge of the bed,
observing his wife turning back and forth, looking
at herself in the
mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked
what she'd like to
have for her Birthday.
"I'd like to be six again," she
replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her
birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl
of Lucky Charms, and
then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!
He put her
on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall
of Fear, the
Screaming Monster Roller Coaster... everything there
was. Five hours
later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head
was reeling and
her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a
McDonald's where he
ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a
it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her
M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she
wobbled home with
her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He
leaned over his wife
with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear,
what was it like being
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression
"I meant my Dress Size, you dummy !"
moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he
is going to get it
Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when
his sickly father
died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
So one evening he
went to a singles bar where he spotted the most
beautiful woman he had
ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like
just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her,
"but in just a
week or two, my father will die, and I'll Inherit 20
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening
and, three days
later, she became his stepmother.
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing
an oxygen mask
over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a
hour surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears
to give him a
partial sponge bath.
Nurse, 'he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my
Embarrassed,the young nurse replies 'I don't know,Sir.
I'm only here to
wash your upper body.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry
testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
sheepishly pulls back
the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one
hand and his
testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around
gently. Then, she takes a close look and says,
'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing
wrong with them,
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and
says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k?
Best divorce letter Ever
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm
leaving you forever.
I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have
nothing to show
for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss
called to tell me
that you quit your job today & that was the last
straw. Last week,
you came home & didn't even notice I had a new
haircut, had cooked
your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair
of silk boxers. You
ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after
watching all of
your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore;
you don't want sex
or anything that connects us as husband & wife.
cheating on me or you don't love me anymore;
whatever! the case, I'm
gone. Your Ex-Husband
PS. don't try to find me.. Your SISTER & I are
moving away to West
Virginia together! Have a great life!
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your
letter. It's true you
& I have been married for 7 years, although a
good man is a far cry
from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much
because they drown out
your constant whining & griping. Too bad that
doesn't work. I DID
notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the
first thing that came
to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my
mother raised me not
to say anything if you can't say something nice, I
didn't comment. And
when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have
gotten me confused with
MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years
ago. About those new
silk boxers: I turned away from you because the
$49.99 price tag was
still on them, and I prayed it was a coincidence
that my sister had
just borrowed $50 from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you & felt we
could work it out.
So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I
quit my job &
bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica , but when I got home
you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you
fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said
that the letter you
wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take
Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my
sister Carla was born
Carl. I hope that's not a problem.
ways to look at everything
wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he
sat alone at a
nearby table. I asked my wife, "Do you know him?"
"Yes," she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to
drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't
been sober since."
"My God!" I said to my wife, "Who would think a person
could go on
celebrating that long?"
So you see, there really are 2 ways to look at
(as told by a woman)
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been
married for 20+
We were chatting about our relationships and decided
to amaze our men
by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra,
stiletto heels and a
mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days
to exchange notes..
Here's how it all went.
My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found
me with a black
leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me
and said, 'You are
the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made
passionate love all
The other night I met my lover at his office and I
was wearing a
raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and
mask over my eyes.
When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but
he started to
tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black
stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in
the door and saw me
This is the word women use to end an argument when
they feel they
are right and you need to shut up. Never use fine to
describe how a
woman looks. This will cause you to have
one of those arguments.
MINUTES: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to
the five minutes
that your football game is going to last before you
take out the
trash, so it's an even trade.
This means something, and you should be on your
is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has
to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards.
signifies an argument that will last Five Minutes
and end with
the word Fine.
AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows): This is a dare. One
that will result
in a woman getting upset over Nothing, and will end
with the word
AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows): This means, I give up! or
do what you want
because I don't care. You will get a Raised Eyebrow
Go Ahead In just a
few minutes, followed by nothing and Fine and she
will talk to you
In about Five Minutes when she cools off.
SIGH: This is not actually a word, but is a
nonverbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A Loud Sigh means she thinks
you are an idiot
at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her
time standing here
and arguing with you over nothing.
SIGH: Again, not a word, but a nonverbal statement.
Soft Sighs mean
that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or
breathe, and she
will stay content.
OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements
that a woman
can make to a man. That's Okay means that she wants
to think long
and hard before paying you back for whatever it is
that you have
done. That's Okay is often used with the word Fine
and in conjunction
with a Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead. At some point in the
you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
DO.: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A
woman is giving
you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or
reason you have
for doing whatever it is that you have done. You
have a fair chance
with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get
a That's Okay.
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say
A LOT: This is much different from
Thanks. A woman will say, Thanks
A Lot when she is really ticked off at you. It
signifies that you
have offended her in some callous way, and will be
followed by the Loud
Sigh. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the
as she will only tell you Nothing.
this to the men you know to warn them about future
can avoid if they remember the terminology.
HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN
All you have to do is to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father figure
6. a teacher
8. a cook
9. a gardener
10. a carpenter
11. a driver
12. an engineer
14. an interior decorator
15. a stylist
16. a sex therapist
18. a psychologist
19. a psychiatrist
20. a therapist
21. a good
22. a gentleman
23. well organized
25. very clean
AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST PAY ATTENTION TO MAKE
47. are neither jealous nor disinterested
48. get on well with her family, but don't spend
more time with them than with her
49. give her space, but show interest and concern in
where she goes
ABOVE ALL IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO:
50. Not forget the dates of: * anniversaries
engagement, first date...) * graduation * birthday *
However, even if you observe the above instructions
perfectly, you are
not 100% guaranteed
that she will be happy, as she could one day feel
overcome with the
of her life with you and run off with the first wild
bastard-bohemian-drunk- bon viveur
GETTING OLDER -
WHAT TO DO?
Thought for the day: There is more money being
spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on
Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2020, there should be a large
with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely
no recollection of
what to do with them
All drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic
Example; the trade name is Tylenol and it's generic
Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen.
Amoxil is also called
Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for
After careful consideration by a team of government
recently announced that it has settled on the
generic name of
Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin,
Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon
be available in
liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a
suitable for use as a mixer.
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour
himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink,
and it gives new
meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and
just a good
old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:
with two Meanings
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female... Any part under a car's hood.
Male... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it..
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put
She said... You wear pants don't you?
He said... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I
sit on the sofa and fart!
He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave
She said... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said... They don't have time
He said... How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said... We don't know, it has never happened.
He said... Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring
She said... They already have boyfriends.
She said... What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is
He said... A widow.
He said... Why are married women heavier than single
said... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE GUYS YOU
THINK CAN HANDLE IT
HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A FLY
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
And you probably thought this would be dirty... shame on YOU!!
© Copyright 1999 - 2020 David Isaacson