Law of Mechanical Repair -
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to
Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut,
bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability -The
probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity
of your act
Law of Random Numbers - If you
dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always
Law of the Alibi - If you tell
the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very
next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law - If you
change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move
faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
Law of the Bath - When the body
is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters -The
probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you
are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result - When you
try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics - The
severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena
- At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle,
always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats
several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early
before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the
aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big
bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance.. The aisle
people also are very surly folk.
The Coffee Law - As soon
as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do
something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers - If
there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent
Law of Physical Surfaces
- The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a
floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or
Law of Logical Argument -
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
- If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
Oliver's Law of Public Speaking
- A closed mouth gathers no feat.
Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing
Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like,
they will stop making it.
Doctors' Law - If you
don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time
you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and
you'll stay sick.
Just in case you ever get these
two environments mixed up, this should
make things a little bit clearer.
IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in an 10 X 10
AT WORK...........you spend the majority of your time in an 8 X 8
IN PRISON..........you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for
IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...........you get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...........you must often carry a security card and open all
the doors for yourself.
IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...........you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON..........you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...........you have to share the toilet with some people who pee
on the seat.
IN PRISON..........they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...........you aren't even supposed to speak to your family.
IN PRISON..........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work
AT WORK...........you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and
they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to
AT WORK ..........you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go
IN PRISON..........you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...........they are called managers
can only say this week at Thanksgiving
and get away with it:
1. Talk about a
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's cool whip time.
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some.
10. Don't play with your meat!
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once.
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?
20. Man, that looks just like cranberry sauce.
21. Is that hole good and stuffed?
22. Should I wrap that for you?
23. I've done my part, now I just want to sleep.
A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to
other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over
sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he
in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over
and gently woke the woman saying,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into
the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend
that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own f****** blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted
group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two
female teachers, went on a field trip to the local race-track
thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the
it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that
the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with
the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting
men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of
them could reach the urinal. Having no choice,
inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little
boys up one by one; holding onto their
"weewees" to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted
one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually
well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the
be a 5th grader."
"No, ma'am," he
replied, "I'm the jockey riding Silver
Arrow in the
4th, but thanks for the lift."
My five-year old students are
learning to read.
Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said,
'Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!'
I took a deep breath, then asked...'What did you call it?'
'It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!'
And so it does...
'A f r i c a n Elephant'
Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?
Answers given by elementary
school-age children to the questions:
did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the Scotch Tape is.
2. Think about it. It was the best way to get more people.
3. Mostly to clean the house.
4. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic, plus super powers, and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger
God give you your mother and not some
1. We are related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What ingredients are mothers
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice
in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use
string. I think.
kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty
3. They say she used to be nice.
How did your mom meet your dad?
1. Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.
What did mom need to know about dad
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get
drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to
drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
What makes a real woman?
1. It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because Dad is such a
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.
What's the difference between
moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power
because that's who you have to ask if you want to sleep over at your
does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't have spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What's the difference between moms
1. About 30 years.
2. You can always count on grandmothers for candy.
Describe the world's greatest
1. She would be able to make broccoli taste like ice cream.
2. The greatest mom in the world wouldn't make me kiss my fat aunts.
3. She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.
Is anything about your mom
1. Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the dentist.
2. Her casserole recipes. But we hate them.
3. Just her children.
would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye it, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about
what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid
2. I'd make my mom smarter -- then she would know my sister did it and
Reasons Not To Mess With Children
1) A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a
human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a
human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.
2) A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while
they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked
what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl
replied, 'They will in a minute.'
3) A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments
with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to
'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a
commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family)
answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
4) One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the
dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had
several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette
head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some
of your hairs white, Mum?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and
make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then
said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'
5) The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying
to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all
grown up and say,'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's
Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the
teacher, she's dead.'
6) A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.
Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on
my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn
red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary
position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'
7) The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary
school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of
apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only
ONE. God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was
a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the
Why We Love Children
NUDITY: I was driving with my three young children one warm summer
evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved.
She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my
5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom, that lady isn't wearing a
2) OPINIONS: On the first day of school, a
first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read,
"The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his
3) KETCHUP: A woman was trying hard to get the
ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked
her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the
phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
MORE NUDITY: A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the
women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks,
with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy
watched in amazement and then asked,
"What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
POLICE #1: While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary
school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking
up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I
answered and continued writing the report. "My
mother said if I
ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's
right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot
toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
6) POLICE #2:
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the
station As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking,
and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back
there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at
me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he
7) ELDERLY: While working for an organization that
delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old
daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the
various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and
One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a g
lass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she
merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
8) DRESS-UP: A little girl was watching her parents dress
for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned,
"Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You
know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."
DEATH: While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our
minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar
wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead
robin. Feeling that a proper burial should be performed, they had
secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready
for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say
the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version
of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaather,
and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes." (I want this line
used at my funeral!)
10) SCHOOL: A little girl had just
finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said
to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me
11) BIBLE: A little boy opened the big family Bible He
was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly,
something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at
it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the
pages. "Mama, look what I found, " the boy called out. "What have you
got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he
answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear."
Allison Buell. Dispatcher. The Arm Group
mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The
boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother
saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.If Jesus were sitting here, He
would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Kevin
turned to his younger brother and said, " Ryan , you be Jesus !"
wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their
six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the
blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl
replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I
invite all these people to dinner?"
A little college humor
following is supposedly an
actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.
The answer by one student was so "profound" that the
professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which
of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off
heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat) ?
of the students wrote
proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it
expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
student, however, wrote the following:
we need to know how the
mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate
which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they
leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul
to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
for how many souls are
entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that
the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are
a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there
more than one of these religions and since people do Not
more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to
With birth and death rates as
they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to
exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the
Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the
and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has
expand proportionately as souls are added.
gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell
is expanding at a
slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the
temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell
2. If Hell
is expanding at a
rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the
temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So
which is it ?
If we accept
given to me by Teresa during my Freshman Year that, "it will
cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into
the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must
true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and
The corollary of this theory is
that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not
accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving
Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which
explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
beautiful, well endowed, young lady goes to her local pet
store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she
notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: "Sex Frogs! Only
$20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete
instructions)." The girl excitedly looks around to
see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man
behind the counter, "I'll take one."
The man packaged the frog and said, "Just
follow the instructions
The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly
on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl
takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing
exactly what it says to do:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down on the bed.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her
surprise, nothing happens!
The girl is totally frustrated and quite
upset at this point.
She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the
paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please
call the pet store."
So, the lady calls the pet store.The man says, "I had some complaints earlier
be right over."
Within five minutes, the man is ringing
her doorbell. The lady
welcomes him in and says "See, I've done everything according to the
instructions and the stupid thing just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, he picks up
the frog, stares directly into its eyes and
sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you
how to do this one more time!"
George Carlin's Views on Aging:
Do you realize that the only time in
our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids?
If you're less
than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in
"How old are you ?" "I'm four and a half !"
You're never thirty-six and
a half. You're four and a half, going on five!
That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold
you back. You jump to the
next number, or even a few ahead.
"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You
could be 13, but hey, you're
gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become
21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS !!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened
there ? Makes you sound
like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now,
you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed ?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're
Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping
Before you know it, you REACH 50 . . . and your dreams are gone.
But wait !!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't
think you would !
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50
and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70
! After that it's
a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday !
You get into your 80s and every day is a
complete cycle; you HIT lunch;
you TURN 4:30; you REACH bed time.
And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you
start going backwards; "I
Was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it
over 100, you become a
little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half !"
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half !!
there's a name for this disorder. Somehow I feel better, even though I
Recently, I was
diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. – Age Activated Attention Deficit
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and
decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table
that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage
can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take
out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the
house to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke
aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the
refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the
counter catches my eye--they need water.
I put the Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses
that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to
water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with
water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for
the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll
water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on
So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe
up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning
At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really
baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help
for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....
Do me a favor
Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't
remember who the heck I've sent it to.
Don't laugh -- if
this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!
Weird Things you would never know!!!
- A shrimp's heart is in its head.
- The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be
the toughest tongue twister in the English language.
- Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could
have over a million descendants. (YUK !!)
- Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the
bacteria in your ear by 700 times. (GROSS)
- If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does
Title 14,Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented
on July 16 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact
with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?
- In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
- A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
- 23% of all photocopier faults world-wide are caused by
people sitting on them and photocopying their butts.
- Most lipstick contains fish scales.
- Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.
- If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try
to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or
neck and die. If you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out.
- In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years,
no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head
in the sand. (Did the gov't pay for this study ?) It is
physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
- A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
- More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or
received a telephone call.
- Horses can't vomit.
- Butterflies taste with their feet.
- In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of
the world's nuclear weapons combined.
- On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens
- On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
- Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived
- Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for
dating are already married.
- Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
- Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
- It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
- Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
- It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.
Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year
because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account
the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
- A snail can sleep for three years.
- No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."
- Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose
and ears never stop growing.
- The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
- All polar bears are left handed.
- In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their
bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
- An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
- TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the
letters only on one row of the keyboard.
- "Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English
- If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be
39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall.
- A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
- The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
- Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
- Almost everyone who reads this email will try to lick their
TO STAY YOUNG*
Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height.
Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay " them "
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The
grouches pull you down.
Keep learning. Learn more about the
computer, crafts, gardening, whatever Never let the brain idle. "
idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is
4. Enjoy the
often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and
move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.
Be ALIVE while you are alive.
Surround yourself with what you
love, Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies,
whatever. Your home is your refuge.
Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable
improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip
to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to
where the guilt is.
Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the
moments that take our breath away.
TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
hard you try, you can't baptize
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her
brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at
the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the
food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while
you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once
got from a roller
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but
bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but
sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
4 success is . . not peeing your pants.
At age 12 success is . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . having a girlfriend that
thinks you are really good looking.
At age 35 success is . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . having a girlfriend that
thinks you are really good looking.
At age 70 success is . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . not peeing in
- YEARS LATER....
Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the
dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the
world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all
these years"? The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived
an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which
your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful
consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful
but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability
checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension".
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said, "Oh, thank you, Fairy Godmother".
The fairy godmother replied "it is the least that I can do. What do you
want for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were
young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young
visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that
had been dormant for years. And then the fairy godmother spoke once
"You have one more wish; what shall it be?"
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I
wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change
in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man
so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother
was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's
eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful,
stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to
Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close
in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair
with his warm breath
as he whispered......
your sorry you neutered me"
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© Copyright 1999 - 2019 David Isaacson