This is an actual letter sent to a man
named Ryan DeVries regarding a pond on his property. It was sent by the
Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania
. This guy's response is Hilarious, but read The State's letter before
you get to the response letter, you wont stop once you start.. WOW Love
SUBJECT: DEQ ... File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec 20; Lycoming
Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality
that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above
referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal
landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet
stream of Spring Pond.
A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.. A
review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued
Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in
violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural
Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts
of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania
Compiled Laws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially
failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at
downstream locations.. We find that dams of this nature are inherently
hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you
to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the
stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming
the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be
completed no later than January 31, 2010.
Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so
that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure
to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the
site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement
We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this
matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any
David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.
Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:
Re: DEQ File
No.. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County
Your certified letter dated 11/17/09 has been handed to me. I am the
legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane, Trout Run,
A couple of beavers are in the process of constructing and maintaining
two wood 'debris' dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.
While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I
think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of
natures building materials "debris".
I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their
dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can
safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills,
their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence,
their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.
These are the beavers/contractors you are seeking.
As to your request,
I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a
dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.
My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said
If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through
the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those
other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. (Perhaps we
will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes
and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act,
Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to
324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.)
I have several dam concerns. My first dam concern is, aren't the
beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are
financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation --
so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer.
The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed
during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a
natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In
other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than
harassing them and calling them dam names.
If you want the damed stream 'restored' to a dam free-flow condition
please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they
obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being
unable to read English.
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build
their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green
and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live
and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and
Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the
natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).
So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be
referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until
1/31/2010? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice by then and
there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real
environmental quality, health, problem in the area It is the bears!
Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you
should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.
If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your dam step!
The bears are not careful where they dump!
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to
contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response
to your dam office.
RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS
Disorder in the American Courts
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down
published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm
these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
WITNESS: We both do.
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in
his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed
on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished..
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No .
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
1) The problem with the gene pool
is that there is no lifeguard.
2) A man's best friend is his dogma.
3) People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
4) An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support
5) All's well that ends.
6) Pain is just God's way of hurting you.
7) Paranoia is heightened awareness.
8) Atheism is the non-prophet sector.
9) Honesty is next to poverty.
10) A fool and your money are soon partners.
11) Behind every successful man you'll find an extremely dumb woman.
12) Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
13) We are not punished for our sins, but by them.
14) Poverty is the root of all evil.
15) Whatever you say about pornography, sex is here to stray.
Young Chuck moved to Texas.
He bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.
Giving him the money in advance, the farmer agreed to deliver the
donkey the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, 'Sorry Chuck, but I have
some bad news, the donkey died.'
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with a dead donkey?
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened
with that dead donkey?'
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars
apiece and made a profit of $898.00.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
Chuck now works for Morgan Stanley.
The Bathtub Test
a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director
'How do you
determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?'
said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty
'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use
the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'
'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do
you want a bed near the window?'
Lawyer/Insurance Story of the Year, Decade, and Possibly the Century
(This took place in Charlotte North Carolina.)
lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then
insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having
smoked his entire stockpile of these great
cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his
claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series
of small fires'. The insurance company refused to pay, citing the
obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal
The lawyer sued and WON!
( Stay with me )
Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company
that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that
the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted
the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure
them against fire, without defining what is considered to be
unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than
endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the
insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer
for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.
NOW FOR THE BEST PART...
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him
arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case
being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally
burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in
jail and a $24,000 fine. This true story won First Place in last year's
Criminal Lawyers Award contest.
ONLY IN AMERICA...
NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD THINKS WE'RE NUTS!!
If you can read this whole story
without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying
by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at
a chili cook-off in New Mexico.
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.
New Mexico Chili
For those of you who have lived in New Mexico, you know how true
this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the
time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major
portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza.
Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who
was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at
the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's
table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the
call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native
New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting,
so I accepted and became Judge #3."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this
stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took
me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst
one. These New Mexicans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off
two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They
had to rush in more beer when they saw he look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the
routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid
pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part
of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.
CHILI #4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?
Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh
refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this
nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly
ground,adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
forehead and my eyes can no longer focus. I farted, and four people
behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told
her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue
from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder
if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other
judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them!!
CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance
of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to
wipe my butt with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a
can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am
worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,
and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava
to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what
killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it;
I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3
farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd
have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 -- No report.
we make a lot of work when a simple solution is available
(You don't have to be an engineer to appreciate this story).
A toothpaste factory had a problem: they sometimes shipped empty boxes,
without the tube inside. This was due to the way the production line
was set up, and people with experience in designing production lines
will tell you how difficult it is to have everything happen with
timings so precise that every single unit coming out of it is perfect
100% of the time. Small variations in the environment (which can't be
controlled in a cost-effective fashion) mean you must have quality
assurance checks smartly distributed across the line so that customers
all the way down to the supermarket don't get mad and buy another
Understanding how important that was, the CEO of the toothpaste factory
got the top people in the company together and they decided to start a
new project, in which they would hire an external engineering company
to solve their empty boxes problem, as their engineering department was
already too stretched to take on any extra effort.
The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor
allocated, RFP, third-parties selected, and six months (and $8 million)
later they had a fantastic solution — on time, on budget, high
quality and everyone in the project had a great time. They solved the
problem by using high-tech precision scales that would sound a bell and
flash lights whenever a toothpaste box would weigh less than it should.
The line would stop, and someone had to walk over and yank the
defective box out of it, pressing another button when done to re-start
A while later, the CEO decides to have a look at the ROI of the
project: amazing results! No empty boxes ever shipped out of the
factory after the scales were put in place. Very few customer
complaints and they were gaining market share. “That’s some
money well spent!” – he says, before looking closely at the
other statistics in the report. It turns out, the number of defects
picked up by the scales was 0 after three weeks of production use. It
should've been picking up at least a dozen a day, so maybe there was
something wrong with the report. He filed a bug against it, and after
some investigation, the engineers come back saying the report was
actually correct. The scales really weren't picking up any defects,
because all boxes that got to that point in the conveyor belt were good.
Puzzled, the CEO travels down to the factory, and walks up to the part
of the line where the precision scales were installed. A few feet
before the scale, there was a $20 desk fan, blowing the empty boxes off
of the belt and into a bin.
“Oh, that,” says one of the
workers — “one of the guys put it there ’cause he was
tired of walking over every time the bell rang”.
It was a tough year, but I made
But not everyone is as lucky as I am......
The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the
I ordered a burger at McDonald's, and the kid behind the counter asked,
"Can you afford fries with that?"
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you have to
call them and ask if they mean you or them .
Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
McDonald's is selling the 1 /4 'ouncer'.
Parents in Beverly Hills and Malibu are firing their nannies and
learning their children's names.
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .
Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
The Mafia is laying off judges.
BP Oil laid off 25 Congressmen.
Congress says they are looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh
Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by
the people who made $ 1.5 Trillion disappear!
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs,
my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, our shrinking 401k Plans
and our bleak future, that I called the Suicide Life line and was
connected to a call center in Pakistan. When I told them I was
suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
First Christmas Joke
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before
Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day but I have to
tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of
misery is enough".
"Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any
longer", the father says. "We're sick of each other and
I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and
Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like
hell they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care
She calls Scotland immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT
getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm
calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then,
don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Done! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own
milk - 65 YEARS AGO
A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family
dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work
and little compensation.
When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in
approximately the 1940s, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for
the best slogan.
The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with 'Carnation Milk is best of
She thought to herself, I know all about milk and dairy farms. I can do
She sent in her entry, and several weeks later, a black limo pulled up
in front of her house.
A man got out and said, 'Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are
here to award you $2,000 even though we will not be able to use it!'
"Carnation milk is best of all...no tits to pull, no hay to haul, no
buckets to wash, no shit to pitch, just poke a hole in the SOB"
Two best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and
decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a
practice together to share office space and personnel. Dr. Smith was
the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the
proctologist; they put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and
Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors". The town council was
livid and insisted they change it.
So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and
Hemorrhoids" This was also not acceptable, so they again changed
"Catatonics and High Colonics"......No go.
Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives"....thumbs down
Then came "Minds and Behinds"....still no good.
Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt
Holes".......unacceptable again !
So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts".....not a chance.
"Nuts and Butts".....no way.
"Freaks and Cheeks".....still no good.
"Loons and Moons".....forget it.
Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones--Odds and Ends"
Everyone loved it.
top nine comments made by NBC sports
commentators during the (2012) Summer Olympics they would
like to take back:
commentator: This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw
her snatch this
morning during her warm up and it was amazing.
2. Dressage commentator: This is really a lovely horse
and I speak from
personal experience since I once mounted her mother.
3. Gymnast: I owe a lot to my parents, especially my
mother and father.
4. Boxing Analyst: Sure there have been injuries and
even some deaths
in boxing, but none of them really that serious.
5. Softball announcer: If history repeats itself, I
should think we can
expect the same thing again.
6. Basketball analyst: He dribbles a lot and the
like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: Ah, isn't that nice,
the wife of the
IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.
8. Soccer commentator: Julian Dicks is everywhere.
It's like they've
got eleven Dicks on the field.
9. Tennis commentator: One of the reasons Andy is
playing so well is
that, before the final round, his wife takes out his
balls and kisses
them... Oh my God, what have I just said?
Cancel Your Credit
Card Before You Die
(So easy to see happening, customer service being what
A lady died this past
January, and Citibank billed her for February and
March for their annual service charges on her credit
card, and added
late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The
balance had been
$0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00.
A family member
placed a call to Citibank. Here is the exchange :
Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back
Citibank: 'The account was never closed and the late
fees and charges
Family Member: 'Maybe you should turn it over to
Citibank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already
Family Member: 'So, what will they do when they find
out she is dead?'
Citibank: 'Either report her account to frauds
division or report her
to the credit bureau, maybe both!'
Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'
Citibank: 'Excuse me?'
Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling
you - the part
about her being dead?'
Citibank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back
in January with
a $0 balance.'
Citibank: 'The account was never closed and late fees
and charges still
Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her
Citibank: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'
Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer
info was given)
Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number was given)
After they get the fax :
Citibank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I
don't know what
more I can do to help.'
Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If
not, you could
just keep billing her. She won't care.'
Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges will still
(What is wrong with these people?!?)
Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing
Citibank: 'That might help....'
Family Member: ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway
129, Plot Number
Citibank: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'
Family Member: 'And what do you do with dead people on
And you wondered why Citibank needed help from the
Why did the
Chicken cross the road
BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a
change! The chicken wanted change!
JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because
he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all
the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that
little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely
qualified to ensure right from Day One! that every chicken in this
country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this
really isn't about me.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road.
We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not.
The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the
satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your
definition of chicken?
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am
now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about
the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize
that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road
before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we
need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on
his current problems before adding new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is
why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the
chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of
life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive
across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but
we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can
see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was
going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs
when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the
plain truth? That's why they call it the other side. Yes, my friends,
that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay,
too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination
that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like
the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as
plain and as simple as that.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be
listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming
story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to
accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads
together, in peace.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 2008, which will not only
cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and
balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of
eChicken 2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never
crash or need to be rebooted.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road
move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
Backwards, by Woody Allen
In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out
dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's
feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go
collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold
watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you're
young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and
are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then
go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no
responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you
spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with
central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and
then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm! I rest my case.
Maher's New Rules For 2007 & Beyond
Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for
classmates.com ! There's a
reason you don't talk to people for 25 or 30 years.?
It's because you
don't particularly like them! Besides, I already
know what the captain
of the football team is doing these days? He' s
mowing my lawn.
Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out of
a window unless
you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that
a human finger was
found in a bowl of Wendy' s chili. Hey, it cost less
than a dollar.
What did you expect it to contain? Caviar?
New Rule: Stop saying
that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
blond teachers are
permanently damaged. I have a better description for
these kids: lucky
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone.
Here' s how much men care about your eyebrows: do
you have two of them?
Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored
water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the
but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored
water is called a
soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some
scotch over ice and let
it melt.? That' s your flavored water.
New Rule: Just because
your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't
make you spiritual.?
It's right above the crack of your ass. And it
translates to "chicken
with broccoli." The last time you did anything
spiritual, you were
praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not
spiritual. You're just
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it
just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new
homes, graduations and
getting out of rehab. Picking out the stuff you want
and having other
people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it' s the
version of looting.
New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No
more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy
is offering me a
towel and a mint like I just had sex with George
Michael. I can't even
tell if he' s supposed to be there, or just some
freak with a fetish.
Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't
need to know in
months. "27 Months." "He' s two," will do just fine.
He's not a cheese.
And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you
ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that
pays better than
minimum wage, then for God' s sake don't pierce or
available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your
future around saying"
Do you want fries with that?"
New Rule: Stop screwing with old
people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill
bottle that's square,
with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom.
And by the time
grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be
in the morgue.
Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social
Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the
bigger the asshole
of a customer. If you walk into a Starbucks and
order a "decaf grande
half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot,
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one
Sweet-n'-Low, and one
NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule: I'm not the
cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card,
entering my PIN
number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,
deciding, no, I don't
want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid
who is supposed to
be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond
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