is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries regarding a pond on his
property. It was sent by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality,
State of Pennsylvania . This guy's response is
but read The State's letter before you get to the response letter, you wont stop
once you start.. WOW Love this man..
DEQ ... File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec 20; Lycoming County
Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of
the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent
unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property.
You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who
did the following unauthorized activity:
maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of
A permit must be issued prior to the start of
this type of activity.. A review of the Department's files shows
that no permits have been issued Therefore, the Department has
determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland
Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental
Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections
324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the
dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and
flooding at downstream locations.. We find that dams of this nature
are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department
therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this
location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by
removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream
channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than
January 31, 2010.
Please notify this office when the
restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection
may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request
or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this
case being referred for elevated enforcement action..
anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this
matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have
David L. Price
Representative and Water Management Division.
is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:
No.. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County
Your certified letter dated 11/17/09
has been handed to me. I am the legal landowner but not the
Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane , Trout Run, Pennsylvania .
couple of beavers are in the process of constructing and maintaining
two wood 'debris' dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.
While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project,
I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful
use of natures building materials 'debris.'
I would like to
challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project
any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state
there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam
resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their
dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.
These are the
beavers/contractors you are seeking. As to your request, I do not
think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam
permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.
first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate
against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) do you require all
beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?
If you are not discriminating against these particular
beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed
copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have
been issued. (Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation
of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and
Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994,
being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled
I have several dam concerns. My first dam
concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The
Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay
for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them
with a dam lawyer.
The Department's dam concern that either
one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing
flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the
Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave
the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling
them dam names.
If you want the damed stream 'restored' to a
dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are
going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to
your dam letter, they being unable to read English.
humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their
unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and
water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live
and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and
Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the
natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).
So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case
can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why
wait until 1/31/2010? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam
ice by then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to
In conclusion, I would like to bring to
your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in
the area It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our
woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating
bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate
the beaver dam, watch your dam step! The bears are not careful where
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and
being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am
sending this response to your dam office.
RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS
Disorder in the American Courts
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished..
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No .
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
1) The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
2) A man's best friend is his dogma.
3) People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
4) An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support
5) All's well that ends.
6) Pain is just God's way of hurting you.
7) Paranoia is heightened awareness.
8) Atheism is the non-prophet sector.
9) Honesty is next to poverty.
10) A fool and your money are soon partners.
11) Behind every successful man you'll find an extremely dumb woman.
12) Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
13) We are not punished for our sins, but by them.
14) Poverty is the root of all evil.
15) Whatever you say about pornography, sex is here to stray.
Investment Banking Explained
Young Chuck moved to Texas.
He bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.
Giving him the money in advance, the farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, 'Sorry Chuck, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with a dead donkey?
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
Chuck now works for Morgan Stanley.
The Bathtub Test
a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director
'How do you
determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?'
said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a
teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the
'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use
the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'
'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'
Best Lawyer/Insurance Story of the Year, Decade, and Possibly the Century
(This took place in Charlotte North Carolina.)
A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great
cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series
of small fires'. The insurance company refused to pay, citing the
obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued and WON!
( Stay with me )
Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company
that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that
lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that
the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure
them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the
insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer
loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.
NOW FOR THE BEST PART...
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case
being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally
burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in
jail and a $24,000 fine. This true story won First Place in last year's
Criminal Lawyers Award contest.
ONLY IN AMERICA...
NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD THINKS WE'RE NUTS!!
you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no
hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as
relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico.
Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.
New Mexico Chili Cook-off
For those of you who have lived in New Mexico, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off
about the time Halloween
comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza.
Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
I was honored to be
selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in
sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the
judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the
call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native New
Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and besides, they
told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and
became Judge #3."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
# 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put
the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are
CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
# 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more
beer when they saw he
look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
# 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from
all of the beer.
CHILI #4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
# 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman
is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground,adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
# 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and my
eyes can no longer focus. I farted, and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to
stop screaming. Screw
CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
# 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt
with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with
too much reliance on canned
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw
in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I
am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he
is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in
my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in
one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt
is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants
are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll
know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful.
Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just
suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not toobold but spicy enough to declare its
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili.
Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge
#3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd
have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 -- No report.
Sometimes we make a lot of work when a simple solution is available
(You don't have to be an engineer to appreciate this story).
A toothpaste factory had a problem: they sometimes shipped empty boxes,
without the tube inside. This was due to the way the production line
was set up, and people with experience in designing production lines
will tell you how difficult it is to have everything happen with
timings so precise that every single unit coming out of it is perfect
100% of the time. Small variations in the environment (which can't be
controlled in a cost-effective fashion) mean you must have quality
assurance checks smartly distributed across the line so that customers
all the way down to the supermarket don't get mad and buy another
Understanding how important that was, the CEO of the toothpaste factory
got the top people in the company together and they decided to start a
new project, in which they would hire an external engineering company
to solve their empty boxes problem, as their engineering department was
already too stretched to take on any extra effort.
The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor
allocated, RFP, third-parties selected, and six months (and $8 million)
later they had a fantastic solution — on time, on budget, high
quality and everyone in the project had a great time. They solved the
problem by using high-tech precision scales that would sound a bell and
flash lights whenever a toothpaste box would weigh less than it should.
The line would stop, and someone had to walk over and yank the
defective box out of it, pressing another button when done to re-start
A while later, the CEO decides to have a look at the ROI of the
project: amazing results! No empty boxes ever shipped out of the
factory after the scales were put in place. Very few customer
complaints and they were gaining market share. “That’s some
money well spent!” – he says, before looking closely at the
other statistics in the report. It turns out, the number of defects
picked up by the scales was 0 after three weeks of production use. It
should've been picking up at least a dozen a day, so maybe there was
something wrong with the report. He filed a bug against it, and after
some investigation, the engineers come back saying the report was
actually correct. The scales really weren't picking up any defects,
because all boxes that got to that point in the conveyor belt were good.
Puzzled, the CEO travels down to the factory, and walks up to the part
of the line where the precision scales were installed. A few feet
before the scale, there was a $20 desk fan, blowing the empty boxes off
of the belt and into a bin. “Oh, that,” says one of the
workers — “one of the guys put it there ’cause he was
tired of walking over every time the bell rang”.
It was a tough
year, but I made it !!!
But not everyone is as lucky as I am......
The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
I ordered a burger at McDonald's, and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you have to call them and ask if they mean you or them .
Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
McDonald's is selling the
1 /4 'ouncer'.
Parents in Beverly Hills and Malibu are firing their nannies and learning their children's names.
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .
Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
The Mafia is laying off judges.
BP Oil laid off 25 Congressmen.
says they are looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The
guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people
who made $ 1 .5 Trillion disappear!
was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my
savings, Social Security, retirement funds, our shrinking 401k Plans and
our bleak future, that I called the Suicide Life line and was connected
to a call center in Pakistan. When I told them I was suicidal, they got
all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
The First Christmas Joke
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before
Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day but I have to
tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of
misery is enough".
"Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any
longer", the father says. "We're sick of each other and
I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and
Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like
hell they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care
calls Scotland immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT
getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling
my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a
thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Done! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."
Carnation milk - 65 YEARS AGO
A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family
dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work
and little compensation.
When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in
approximately the 1940s, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for
the best slogan.
The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with 'Carnation Milk is best of all.'
She thought to herself, I know all about milk and dairy farms. I can do this!
She sent in her entry, and several weeks later, a black limo pulled up in front of her house.
A man got out and said, 'Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are
here to award you $2,000 even though we will not be able to use it!'
"Carnation milk is best of all...no tits to pull, no hay to haul, no
buckets to wash, no shit to pitch, just poke a hole in the SOB"
Two best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and
decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a
practice together to share office space and personnel. Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the
proctologist; they put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and
Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors". The town council was
livid and insisted they change it.
So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and
Hemorrhoids" This was also not acceptable, so they again changed
"Catatonics and High Colonics"......No go.
Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives"....thumbs down again.
Then came "Minds and Behinds"....still no good.
Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes".......unacceptable again !
So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts".....not a chance.
"Nuts and Butts".....no way.
"Freaks and Cheeks".....still no good.
"Loons and Moons".....forget it.
Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones--Odds and Ends"
Everyone loved it.
A WOMAN'S POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
A MAN'S POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This doesn't
rhyme and I don't give a shit.
Why did the Chicken cross the road
BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!
JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because
he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all
the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that
little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely
qualified to ensure right from Day One! that every chicken in this
country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this
really isn't about me.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road.
We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not.
The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am
now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about
the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize
that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road
before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we
need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on
his current problems before adding new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is
why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the
chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of
life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive
across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but
we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was
going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs
when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the
plain truth? That's why they call it the other side. Yes, my friends,
that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay,
too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination
that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like
the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as
plain and as simple as that.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be
listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming
story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to
accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 2008, which will not only
cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and
balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of
eChicken 2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never
crash or need to be rebooted.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
Live Life Backwards, by Woody Allen
In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out
dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's
feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go
collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold
watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you're
young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and
are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then
go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no
responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you
spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with
central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and
then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm! I rest my case.
THE GOOD NAPKINS (The joys of having girls).
My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake).
One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar.
read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping
''napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen? Not
wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those
were for 'special occasions' (her second mistake).
fast forward a few months..... It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are
leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner. Mom had
assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the
they returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burst into
laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came
my father, who roared with laughter. Then came Mom, who almost died of
embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a
'special occasion' Kotex napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully
arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn't
hang off the edge!
My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent
the other adults into further fits of laughter. 'But, Mom, you said
they were for special occasions!'
Pass this on to your girlfriends who need a good laugh or anyone who
has a daughter! Life is too short for drama & petty things,
laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly....and for heavens sake,
use the special napkins whenever you can!
Women on Menopause
Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?
One! ONLY ONE!!!!
And do you know WHY?
Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb!
They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in
the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they
figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the # &%! * light
bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the
past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find
them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the
STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH
IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO
ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE
HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP
THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS
PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER
I'm sorry. What was the question?
Eight Words with two Meanings
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female... Any part under a car's hood.
Male... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it..
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said... You wear pants don't you?
He said... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said... They don't have time
He said... How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said... We don't know, it has never happened.
He said... Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good-looking?
She said... They already have boyfriends.
She said... What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said... A widow.
He said... Why are married women heavier than single women?
said... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT
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