Doctors:
(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.
(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.
Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health Human Services.
Now think about this:
Guns:
(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000. (Yes, that's 80
million.)
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is
1,500.
(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188.
Statistics courtesy of FBI
So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous
than gun owners.
Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."
FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN,
BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE
DOCTOR.
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.
We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!
Out of concern for the public at large, I have withheld the statistics
on Lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek
medical attention.
MORE PONDERISMS
I
used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die
of natural causes.
Gardening
Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed
and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the
ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The
easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.
Never take life seriously.
Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two
kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Life
is sexually transmitted.
Health is merely
the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The
only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Some
people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still
can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Health
nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of
nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone
has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they
used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start
breathing again.
All of us could take a
lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
In
the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Politics
is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize
that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
How
is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole
box to start a campfire?
Who
was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who
was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the
next thing that comes outta its butt."
Why
is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If
Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why
do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why
does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are
going to look up your_______anyway?
Why
does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both
dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to
buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If
quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If
corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
then what is baby oil made from?
If
electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why
do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same
tune?
Do illiterate people get the full
effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did
you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you,
but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does
pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Why
doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are
considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a
"penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes
you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it
would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies
wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a
hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money
in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to
a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of
a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the
hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Do
you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?
QUESTIONS FOR WHICH PEOPLE HAVE NO
"GOOD" ANSWERS
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny
for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were
buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up
like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see
you naked anyway...
Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about
him?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a
coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?They're
both dogs!
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same
tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but
call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the
window?
Why, Why, Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the
batteries are getting dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there
is not enough money?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are
always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that
something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their
vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it
down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer
when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
Very interesting
historical information about life in the 1500's
The
next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water
temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to
be. Here are some facts about the1500s:
Most
people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May,
and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to
smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.
Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths
consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had
the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men,
then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By
then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.
Hence the saying, Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water.
Houses
had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It
was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other
small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof When it rained it became
slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof.
Hence the saying . It's raining cats and dogs.
There
was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a
real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess
up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung
over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into
existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had
something other than dirt. Hence the saying, Dirt poor. The wealthy had
slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they
spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the
winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door,
it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in
the entranceway. Hence the saying a thresh hold.
(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)
In
those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that
always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things
to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They
would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold
overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in
it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, Peas
porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days
old.
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made
them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up
their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could,
bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with
guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.
Those
with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content
caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning
death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400
years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread
was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the
loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper
crust.
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey.
The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of
days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and
prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a
couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and
wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.
England
is old and small and the local folks started running out of
places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the
bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these
coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the
inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So
they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it
through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.
Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard
shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be saved by the
bell or was considered a...dead ringer..
And that's the truth...Now, whoever said History was boring !
!
Andy Rooney's CBS Newsman Tips for Handling
Telemarketers
Three Little Words That Work !!
(1)The
three little words are: "Hold On, Please..." Saying this, while putting
down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately)
would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that
boiler room sales would grind to a halt. Then when you eventually hear
the phone company's "beep-beep-beep" tone, you know it's time to go
back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its
task. These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting.
(2)
Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other
end? This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone
calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone. This
technique is used to determine the best time of day for a "real" sales
person to call back and get someone at home. What you can do after
answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start
hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as
possible This confuses the machine that dialed the call and it kicks
your number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have your
name in their system any longer !!!
(3) Junk Mail Help: When
you get "ads" enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these
"ads" with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk
mail away. When you get those "pre-approved" letters in the mail for
everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do
not throw away the return envelope. Most of these come with
postage-paid return envelopes, right? It costs them more than the
regular 41 cents postage "IF" and when they receive them back. It costs
them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around 50 cents
before the last increase and it is according to the weight. In that
case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in
these cool little, postage-paid return envelopes.
One of Andy Rooney's (60 minutes) ideas
Send
an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Send a pizza
coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just
send them their blank application back! If you want to remain
anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them.
You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep
them guessing! It still costs them 41 cents. The banks and credit card
companies are currently getting a lot of their own junk back in the
mail, but folks, we need to OVERWHELM them. Let's let them know what
it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for
it...Twice! Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are
saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, and that's
why they need to increase postage costs again You get the idea! If
enough people follow these tips, it will work ---- I have been doing
this for years, and I get very little junk mail anymore.
TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930's,
40's, 50's, 60's and 70's
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or
drank while they were pregnant.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and
didn't get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby
cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.
We had no child proof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets
and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the
risks we took hitchhiking.
As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car
seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special
treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO
ONE actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank
Kool-aid made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because...
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were
back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were OK..
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and
then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes
After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve
the problem.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video
games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's,
no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers,
no Internet or chat rooms...
WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
lawsuits from these accidents.
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in
us forever.
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with
sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would
happen, we did not poke out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or
rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who
didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine
that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was
unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem
solvers and inventors ever!
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we
learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!
If YOU are one of them CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow
up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so
much of our lives for our own good.
While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know
how brave (and lucky) their parents were.
Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't
it?!
Q and A
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat
name requested?
A. Obsession
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until
you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and
laser printers all have in common?
A. All were invented by Women.
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the
year?
A. Father's Day
Interesting
In the 1400's a law was set forth in England
that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than
his thumb. Hence we have 'the rule of thumb'.
Many
years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen
Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word "GOLF" entered into the
English language.
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV
were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the
U.S.Treasury.
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear
better.
Coca-Cola was originally green.
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to
work : Alaska
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness : 28% (now get
this...)
The percentage of North America that is wilderness : 38%
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven :
$6,400
The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any
given hour : 61,000
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
The first novel ever written on a typewriter : Tom Sawyer.
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National
Monuments.
Each
king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history :
Spades - King David. Hearts - Charlemagne. Clubs - Alexander, the
Great. Diamonds - Julius Caesar.
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
If
a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the
air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the
air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the
horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural
causes.
Only two people signed the Declaration of
Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the
rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5
years later.
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were
secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the
mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the
phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."
It was the
accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the
wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the
mead he could drink.
Mead is a honey beer and
because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the
honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
In
English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England ,
when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your
pints and quarts, and settle down."It's where we get the phrase "mind
your P's and Q's".
Many
years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim,
or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used
the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase
inspired by this practice.
AND FINALLY
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their
elbow!
This may look weird, but believe it or not,
you can read it.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at
Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a
wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the first and last ltteer be
in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed
it wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed
ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
The Price of Gas versus Printer Ink
(prices quoted as of April 2008)
All these examples do NOT imply that gasoline is cheap; it just
illustrates how outrageous some prices are....
You will be really shocked by the last one!
(At least, I was...)
Compared with Gasoline......
Think a gallon of gas is expensive?
This puts things in perspective.
Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 - $10.32 per gallon
Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 - $9.52 per gallon
Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 - $10.17 per gallon
Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 - $10.00 per gallon
Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 - $33.60 per gallon
Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 - $178.13 per gallon
Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 - $123.20 per gallon
Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 - $25.42 per gallon
Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 - $84.48 per gallon
And this is the REAL KICKER...
Evian water 9 oz $1.49 - $21.19 per gallon!
$21.19 for WATER and the buyers don't even know the source
(Evian spelled backwards is Naive.)
Ever wonder why printers are so cheap?
So they have you hooked for the ink.
Someone calculated the cost of the ink at
(you won't believe it but it is true)
$5,200 a gal. (five thousand two hundred dollars)
So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on
water, Scope, Whiteout, Pepto Bismol, Nyquil or God forbid, Printer Ink!
Just a little humor to help ease the pain of your next trip to the
pump...
And - If you don't pass this along to at least one person,
your muffler will fall off!!
Okay, your muffler won't really fall off... but you might run out of
toilet paper
Gentle thoughts for
today...
Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the
neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The
real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the
right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting
moment.
The
older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your
body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did
you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL.
"If you
think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in
mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell
when he's really in trouble.
There's
always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For
example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't
hurt.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS"
together it spells "Theirs."
Things You Wish You Had The Guts
To Say
I can see your point, but I still think you're full of crap.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
pronounce.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself
in public.
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to
worship me.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're
saying.
Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I have plenty of talent and vision, I just don't give a damn.
Visualizing? I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your
mouth.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about
you being competent.
Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique
point of view.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an
artist.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely
coincidental.
What am I?... Flypaper for freaks!
And your cry-baby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
Do I look like a people person?
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
CHAOS, PANIC, & DISORDER - my work here is done.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
YOU KNOW
YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 WHEN
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that
they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the
screen.
8.
Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have
the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic
and you turn around to go and get it.
AIRLINE HUMOR
Just in case you need a laugh: Remember it takes a college degree
to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.
Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
sheet," which tells
mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and
then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here
are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas'
pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked
with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the
only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last....
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel.
Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
The English Language
Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with
the English
Language?
Let's face it. English is a crazy language:
There is no egg
in the eggplant.
No ham in the hamburger.
And neither pine nor apple in
the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England.
French
fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for
granted, but if we examine its paradoxes we find that...
Quicksand takes
you down slowly.
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither
from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don't
fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth, shouldn't the plural of phone
booth be phone beeth,
If the teacher taught, why didn't the preacher
praught.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what the does a humanitarian
eat?
Why do people recite at a play, yet play at a recital?
Park on
driveways and Drive on parkways.
You have to marvel at the unique
lunacy of a language where a house can burn up as it burns down.
And
in which you fill in a form by filling it out.
And a bell is only heard
once it goes!
English was invented by people, not computers, and it
reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race
at all)
That is why when the stars are out they are visible, but when
the lights are out they are invisible
and why it is that when I wind
up my watch it starts, but when I wind up this observation, it ends.
From
a mathematical viewpoint:
What
Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever
wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We
have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over
100%
How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's
a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
questions:
If:
A B C D E F
G H I J K L M N
O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is
represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18
19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11
= 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5
= 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5
= 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20
= 103%
AND
look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7
= 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical
certainty that While Hard
Work and Knowledge
will get you close, and Attitude
will get you there, it's the Bull Shit
and Ass Kissing
that will put you over the top !
A
father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that the bed
was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope
propped up prominently on the center of the bed,. It was addressed
"Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the
letter with trembling hands.
Dear Dad, it is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing
this. I
had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene
with mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Barbara and she
is so nice, even with all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight
motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant
and Barbara said that we will be very happy. Even though you don't
care for her, as she is much older than I, she already owns a trailer
in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She
wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my
dreams too.
Barbara taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone, and
we'll
be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with her friends for all
the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that
science will find a cure for AIDS so Barbara gets better; she sure
deserves it ! Don't worry dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to
take care of
myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to
know your grandchildren. Your son, John.
P.S. Dad, none of this is true; I'm over at the neighbor's house.
I
just wanted to remind you that there are worst things in life than my
report card, which is in my desk center drawer. (Call when it's safe
for me to come home).
From Steven Wright, who sees things
differently than most of us . . .Some of his gems:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before
we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously
overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever.... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made
your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the
bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many
is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to
be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your
headlights work?
36 - I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen
and replaced by exact duplicates.
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