The Funniest Facts and Stories
decided his injuries from his accident were serious enough to
take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In
the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.
"Didn't you say at
the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'"
responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had
just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for
any details," the lawyer interrupted,
"just answer the question. Did you or
did you not say 'I'm fine' at the scene of
said "Well, yes, but I had just got Bessie into the
trailer and I
was driving down the road..."
lawyer interrupted again and said "Judge, I am trying
the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told
the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now
several weeks after
the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question."
this time the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to
the lawyer "I'd like to
hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."
thanked the Judge and proceeded.
"Well, like I was saying, I had
just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving
her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran
sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one
and Bessie was thrown into the other. I
was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. I could
hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew
she was in terrible shape just by her groans. About that time a Highway
Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning
so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun
and shot her between the eyes. Then
the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and
looked at me and said 'And how are you feeling?'"
reasons to crawl under a rock!
1. CURL UP AND
DIE.... I walked into a hair salon with my
husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do
you charge for
a shampoo and a blow job?"- Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin TX
2. PAD PLEASE.... An
insurance man visited me at home to
talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and
figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my
son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a
Kotex right in
front of our guest. - Kate Newman,46, Winston-Salem, NC
3. HO, HO, HO.... I
was taking a shower when my 2 year
old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper.
made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few
shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and
included one with each
of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about
the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer
Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover
that in addition to
my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror wearing
a camera! - Name Withheld
4. LADY GOLFER.... I
was at the golf store comparing
different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's
type I had been
using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by
the good looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could
help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think
I like playing
with men's balls." - Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI
5. NUTS ABOUT
YOU.... My sister and I were at the mall
and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking
at the display
case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister
started to laugh
hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet red and
walked away. To this
day, my sister has never let me forget. Faye Emerick,
34, Ellerslie, MD
6. PRICELESS.... A
lady picked up several items at a
discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she
learned that one of
her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the
checker got on
the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE
ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough,
but somebody at
the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word
"THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back
intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR
THE KIND YOU POUND IN
WITH A HAMMER?"
7. MOM'S ADVICE....
noticed that a little boy
at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his
crotch and not
paying attention. She
went back to find out what was going on. He was
and whispered that he had just recently been
circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go
down to the principal's office. He was to phone his mother and ask her
what he should do
about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there
commotion at the back of the room. She went back to
only to find him
sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I
you to call
your Mom," she screamed. "I did," he said, "And she told me
if I could
stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days
have produced enough sound energy
to heat one cup of coffee.
If you farted
consistently for 6 years and 9 months,
enough gas is produced
the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more
The human heart
creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body
to squirt blood 30
A pig's orgasm
lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life,
I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will
live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(I'm still not
over the pig.)
Banging your head
against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this
at home...... maybe at work.)
The male praying
mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body.
female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
home. What the....?!?")
The flea can jump
350 times its body length.
It's like a human jumping the length of a
couple of football fields.
can you imagine???)
The catfish has
over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so
tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate
over 50 times a day.
(I still want to
be a pig in my next life - quality over quantity.)
with their feet.
always wanted to know.)
muscle in the body is the tongue.
people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the
only animal that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would
be a good thing.....)
A cat's urine
glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was
paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye
is bigger than its brain.
(I know some
people like that.)
Star fish have no
(I know some
people like that too.)
Polar bears are
(If they switch,
they'll live a lot longer.)
dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that
Importance of Walking
Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at
85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97
years old and we don't know where the hell he is.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy
I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a
pound. Apparently you have to go there.
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with
I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years...... just getting over
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information
in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy
Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.
A man returns from a trip
to Shanghai and is feeling very
ill. He goes to see his doctor
and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a series of tests.
The man wakes up after these tests in a private room at the hospital
the phone by his bed rings.
doctor," says the voice on the phone. "We have the results back from
test and... I'm sorry, you have an extremely contagious deadly disease
known as G.A.S.H.
replies the man.
"What in the world is that?"
combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, SARS and Herpes," explains
Doc!" screams the man in a panic, "what are we going to do?"
going to put you on a strict diet of pizza, pancakes, quesadillas and
pita bread," says the doctor matter-of- factly.
no," says the doctor, "but it's the only food that will fit
under the door."
Pillsbury Doughboy - May he R.I.P.
join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The
Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma
complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was
buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to
pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the
California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain
Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered
the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how
much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his
later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very
smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite
being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was
truly a positive roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his
wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus one in
the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The
funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes. If this made you smile
for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and the take time
to pass it on. Share a smile with someone else who kneads it. They may
be having a crumby day.
Who reads which paper and why
The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run
The New York Times is read by people who think they
run the country.
The Washington Post is read by people who think they
should run the country.
USA Today is read by people who think they ought to
run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They
however, like their smog statistics shown in pie charts.
The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't
mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they
have to leave L.A. to do it.
The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used
to run the country and they did a far superior job of it, thank you
The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't
too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as
they can get a seat on the train.
The New York Post is read by people who don't care
who's running the country either, as long as they do something really
scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who
aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but
whoever it is,
they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if
the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs, who
happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as they
The Miami Herald is read by people who are running
another country, but need the baseball scores.
The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in
line at the grocery store.
Why did the chicken cross the road????
steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
the chicken was gay! Isn't it
obvious? Can't you people see the
plain truth in front of your face? The
chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it, the
"other side." Yes, my
friends, that chicken is gay. And, if
you eat that chicken, you will
become gay too. I say we boycott all
chickens until we sort out this
abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless
phrases like "the other side". That chicken should not be free
the road. It's as plain and simple as
chicken cross the road? Did he cross it
with a toad? Yes! The
chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!
die. In the rain.
LUTHER KING, JR.:
I envision a world where all chickens will
be free to cross roads without
having their motives called into question.
day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone
that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
the nature of chickens to cross the road.
a historical inevitability
was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in
dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
JAMES T. KIRK:
boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens
have to cross before you believe it?
fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road
reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but
will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your
checkbook & Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of
chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the
not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by
"chicken"? Could you
define "chicken" please?
think I should have to answer that question.
road, you will see, represents the black
man. The chicken crossed
the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt
cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there
I missed one?
Everyone seems to be wondering why
Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide . .
Let's see now...
No Nude Women
No car races
No tailgate parties
No Wal Mart
No pork BBQ
No hot dogs
No chocolate chip cookies
No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks
No Beer nuts
Rags for clothes and towels for hats.
Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no
Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.
More than one wife.
They can't shave.
Their wives can't shave.
They can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.
Your bride is picked by someone else.
She smells just like your donkey.
But your donkey has a better disposition.
Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!
I mean really, is there a mystery here?
Why I don't like
visiting rich people :
Once when visiting a very rich friend of mine , the maid approached and
Question : What would you like to have for a drink, fruit juice,
soda, tea , hot chocolate, cappuccino, frappuccino or
Answer: Tea please.
2- Question : Ceylon tea, Indian tea, herbal tea, bush tea,
honey bush tea, iced tea or green tea ?
Answer : Ceylon tea please
3- Question : How would you like it, black or white?
Answer : White
4- Question : Milk or fresh cream?
Answer : With milk
5- Question : Powdered milk or fresh milk ?
Answer : Aah, fresh
6- Question : Goat's milk or cow's milk?
Answer : cow's milk please
7- Question : Freezeland cow or Afrikaner cow?
Answer: umm , think I'll just take it black
8- Question : would you like it with a sweetener, sugar or honey or
Answer : with sugar
9- Question : beet sugar or cane sugar ?
Answer : cane sugar
10- Question : white, brown or yellow sugar?
Answer: Oh ya, forget about the tea, just give me a glass of water
11- Question : mineral water , tap water or distilled water?
Answer : mineral water
12- Question : flavored or non-flavored?
Answer: I think I'll just die of thirst !!!!!!!!
13- Question : How do you choose to die sir ?????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A little mid-day pun...
vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only
carrion allowed per passenger."
boll weevils grew up in South Carolina.
One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed
behind in the
cotton fields and never amounted to much. The
second one, naturally, became known
as the lesser of two weevils.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were
chilly, but when they lit a fire in
the craft, it sank, proving once again
that you can't have your
kayak and heat it, too.
three-legged dog "gimps" into a saloon in the Old West. He slides
up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot
group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to cease
and disperse. "But why?" they
asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said,
"I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A woman has twins and gives them up for
adoption. One of them goes to
a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family
in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture
of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she
tells her husband that she wishes she
also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, "They're twins! If
you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so
up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy
from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the
competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but
would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored
him. So, the rival florist hired "Happy" Hugh MacTaggart, the
roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close.
Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be
if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby
proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the
time, which produced an impressive set of
calluses on his feet. He also ate
very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he
suffered from bad breath. This made him.... what? (Oh, man, this is so
bad, it's good.) A super callused fragile mystic hexed by
(9) Did you hear about the
Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend
And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to
friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them
laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me
the wrong way.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but
mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it
I used to be a lumberjack, but I just
couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
If electricity comes from electrons... does
that mean that morality comes from morons?
A man needs a mistress just to break the
Marriage is the mourning after the knot
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a
A gossip is someone with a great sense of
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of
Condoms should be used on every conceivable
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
Gentle thoughts for today
Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to
the end of his chain and gag himself.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the
right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose
weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL.
"If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really
always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For
example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it
This is a story about A Fly, a Fish, a Bear, A
Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat.
There is a moral to this story...... but maybe not the one most of you
expect.... So, read on!
In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream.
The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular
"Gosh...if I go down three inches I will feel the mist from the water and I
will be refreshed."
There was a fish in the water thinking
"Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him."
There was a bear on the shore thinking
"Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches
that fish will jump for the fly...
and I will grab the fish!!"
It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing
to eat a cheese sandwich.
"Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches...
and that fish leaps for it...
that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.
I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."
Now, you probably think this is enough activity on one river bank, but I can
tell you there's more.
A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking,
"Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches...
and that fish jumps for that fly..
and that bear grabs for that fish..
the dumb hunter will shoot the bear
and drop his cheese sandwich."
A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought
(as was fashionable to do on the banks of This particular river around lunch
"Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches..
and that fish jumps for that fly..
and that bear grabs for that fish..
and that hunter shoots that bear..
and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich..
then I can have mouse for lunch."
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling
mist of the water.
The fish swallows the fly...
The bear grabs the fish..
The hunter shoots the bear..
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...
The cat jumps for the mouse..
The mouse ducks...
The cat falls into the water and drowns.
NOW, The Moral Of The Story....
Whenever a fly goes down three inches,
Some pussy is gonna be in serious danger.
Learn Chinese in 5 minutes
-You MUST read them aloud-
That's not right
Sum Ting Wong
Are you harboring a fugitive?
Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me ASAP
Kum Hia Nao
Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach?
Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table
Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni
I think you need a face lift
Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here
Wai So Dim
I thought you were on a diet
Wai Yu Mun Ching
This is a tow away zone
No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week
Wai Yu Kum Nao
Staying out of sight
Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his automobile
Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive
Yu Stin Ki Pu
Fa Kin Su Pa
Leroy is a 20 year-old 5th grader. This is Leroy's homework assignment. He
must use each vocabulary word in a sentence.
1. Hotel - I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tel everybody.
2. Dictate - My girlfriend say my dictate good.
3. Rectum - I had two Cadillac's, but my bitch rectum both.
4. Disappointment - My parole officer tol' me if I miss disappointment they
gonna send me back to the joint.
5. Penis - I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis.
6. Israel - Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "Man, it look fake."
He say, "Bullshit, that watch Israel."
7. Undermine - There's a fine lookin' ho living in the apartment undermine.
8. Fortify - I axed this ho on da street, "How much?" she say "forti! fy."
Furthering your education with Today's Ebonic word....
Today's word is: "OMELETTE"
Let us use it in a sentence.
"I should pop yo ass fo what you jus did, but omelette dis one slide."
Urgent = News flash !! ATTENTION
ALIENS ARE COMING TO ABDUCT ALL THE GOOD LOOKING SEXY PEOPLE.
YOU WILL PROBABLY BE SAFE, I'M JUST EMAILING TO SAY GOODBYE
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