Facts and Stories
Clyde decided his injuries from his accident were
serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to
court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.
"Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded
my favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer
the question. Did you or did you not say 'I'm fine' at the scene of the
Clyde said "Well, yes, but I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I
was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said "Judge, I am trying to establish
the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the
accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell
him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to
the lawyer "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule,
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded.
"Well, like I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into
the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck
and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was
thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting
real bad and didn't want to move. I could hear ole Bessie moaning and
groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. About that
time a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and
groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun
and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road
with his gun in his hand and looked at me and said 'And how are you
7 reasons to crawl under a rock!
1. CURL UP AND DIE.... I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three
kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and
a blow job?"- Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin TX
2. PAD PLEASE.... An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our
mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I
wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and
get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our
guest. - Kate Newman,46, Winston-Salem, NC
3. HO, HO, HO.... I was taking a shower when my 2 year old son came into the
bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he
looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came
out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our
Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture,
laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I
stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my
son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a
camera! - Name Withheld
4. LADY GOLFER.... I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of
golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good
looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing
with men's balls." - Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI
5. NUTS ABOUT YOU.... My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store
that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the
boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm
just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically,
the boy grinned, and I turned beet red and walked away. To this day,
my sister has never let me forget. Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD
6. PRICELESS.... A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When
she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items
had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the
intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE
THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the
rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for
"THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the
intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND
YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
7. MOM'S ADVICE.... A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of
the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not
paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was
quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been
circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to
the principal's office. He was to phone his mother and ask her what he
should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly,
there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to
investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging
out. "I thought I told you to call your Mom," she screamed. "I did," he
said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon,
she'd come and pick me up from school."
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days
you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months,
enough gas is produced to equal the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body
to squirt blood 30 feet.
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its
The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!?")
The flea can jump 350 times its body length.
It's like a human jumping the length of a couple of football fields.
(30 minutes..... can you imagine???)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life - quality over quantity.)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing.....)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Star fish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig???)
Importance of Walking
Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to
spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97
years old and we don't know where the hell he is.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy
I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a
pound. Apparently you have to go there.
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with
I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years...... just getting over
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information
in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy
Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.
A man returns from a trip to Shanghai and is
feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the
hospital to undergo a series of tests. The man wakes up after these tests in
a private room at the hospital and the phone by his bed rings.
"This is your doctor," says the voice on the phone. "We have the results
back from your test and... I'm sorry, you have an extremely contagious
deadly disease known as G.A.S.H.
"G.A.S.H?" replies the man. "What in the world is that?"
"It's a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, SARS and Herpes," explains
"My gosh, Doc!" screams the man in a panic, "what are we going to do?"
"Well, we're going to put you on a strict diet of pizza, pancakes,
quesadillas and pita bread," says the doctor matter-of- factly.
"Will that cure me?"
"Well, no," says the doctor, "but it's the only food that will fit
under the door."
Doughboy - May he R.I.P.
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma
complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was
buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay
their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California
Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch. The grave
site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and
lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with
turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his
dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still
was a crusty old man and was truly a positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and
Jane Dough, plus one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father,
Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes. If this made
you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and the take
time to pass it on. Share a smile with someone else who kneads it. They may
be having a crumby day.
Who reads which paper and why
1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they should run the
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but
don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however, like their
smog statistics shown in pie charts.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the
country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave L.A.
to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country
and they did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's
running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the
country either, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably
9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a
country, or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all
that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are
handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal
aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as they are democrats.
10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but
need the baseball scores.
11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery
Why did the chicken cross the road????
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people
see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to
the "other side." That's what "they" call it, the "other side." Yes, my
friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become
gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this
abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless
phrases like "the other side". That chicken should not be free to cross
the road. It's as plain and simple as that.
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a
toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've
not been told!
To die. In the rain.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without
having their motives called into question.
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told
us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
It was a historical inevitability
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in
dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens
have to cross before you believe it?
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road
reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but
will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook
& Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by
"chicken"? Could you define "chicken" please?
GEORGE W. BUSH:
I don't think I should have to answer that question.
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken
crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou
shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was
I missed one?
Everyone seems to be wondering why
Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide . .
Let's see now...
No Nude Women
No car races
No tailgate parties
No Wal Mart
No pork BBQ
No hot dogs
No chocolate chip cookies
No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks
No Beer nuts
Rags for clothes and towels for hats.
Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no
Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.
More than one wife.
They can't shave.
Their wives can't shave.
They can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.
Your bride is picked by someone else.
She smells just like your donkey.
But your donkey has a better disposition.
Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!
I mean really, is there a mystery here?
Why I don't
like visiting rich people :
Once when visiting a very rich friend of mine , the maid approached and
1- Question : What would you like to have for a drink, fruit juice, soda,
tea , hot chocolate, cappuccino, frappuccino or
Answer: Tea please.
2- Question : Ceylon tea, Indian tea, herbal tea, bush tea,
honey bush tea, iced tea or green tea ?
Answer : Ceylon tea please
3- Question : How would you like it, black or white?
Answer : White
4- Question : Milk or fresh cream?
Answer : With milk
5- Question : Powdered milk or fresh milk ?
Answer : Aah, fresh
6- Question : Goat's milk or cow's milk?
Answer : cow's milk please
7- Question : Freezeland cow or Afrikaner cow?
Answer: umm , think I'll just take it black
8- Question : would you like it with a sweetener, sugar or honey or
Answer : with sugar
9- Question : beet sugar or cane sugar ?
Answer : cane sugar
10- Question : white, brown or yellow sugar?
Answer: Oh ya, forget about the tea, just give me a glass of water
11- Question : mineral water , tap water or distilled water?
Answer : mineral water
12- Question : flavored or non-flavored?
Answer: I think I'll just die of thirst !!!!!!!!
13- Question : How do you choose to die sir ?????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A little mid-day pun...
(1) Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one
carrion allowed per passenger."
(2) Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood
and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields
and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the
lesser of two weevils.
(3) Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a
fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have
your kayak and heat it, too.
(4) A three-legged dog "gimps" into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up
to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
(5) A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,
the manager came out of the office and asked them to cease and
disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said,
"I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
(6) A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes
to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in
Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to
his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she
wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're
twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
(7) These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a
small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from
the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was
unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went
back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist
hired "Happy" Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in
town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their
store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified,
they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent
(8) Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the
time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also
ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he
suffered from bad breath. This made him.... what? (Oh, man, this is so bad,
it's good.) A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
(9) Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
(10) And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to
friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the
If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
Gentle thoughts for today
Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to
the end of his chain and gag himself.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right
time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your
body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL.
"If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For
example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it
This is a story about A Fly, a Fish, a Bear, A
Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat.
There is a moral to this story...... but maybe not the one most of you
expect.... So, read on!
In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream.
The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular
"Gosh...if I go down three inches I will feel the mist from the water and I
will be refreshed."
There was a fish in the water thinking
"Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him."
There was a bear on the shore thinking
"Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches
that fish will jump for the fly...
and I will grab the fish!!"
It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing
to eat a cheese sandwich.
"Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches...
and that fish leaps for it...
that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.
I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."
Now, you probably think this is enough activity on one river bank, but I can
tell you there's more.
A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking,
"Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches...
and that fish jumps for that fly..
and that bear grabs for that fish..
the dumb hunter will shoot the bear
and drop his cheese sandwich."
A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought
(as was fashionable to do on the banks of This particular river around lunch
"Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches..
and that fish jumps for that fly..
and that bear grabs for that fish..
and that hunter shoots that bear..
and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich..
then I can have mouse for lunch."
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling
mist of the water.
The fish swallows the fly...
The bear grabs the fish..
The hunter shoots the bear..
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...
The cat jumps for the mouse..
The mouse ducks...
The cat falls into the water and drowns.
NOW, The Moral Of The Story....
Whenever a fly goes down three inches,
Some pussy is gonna be in serious danger.
Learn Chinese in 5 minutes
-You MUST read them aloud-
That's not right
Sum Ting Wong
Are you harboring a fugitive?
Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me ASAP
Kum Hia Nao
Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach?
Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table
Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni
I think you need a face lift
Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here
Wai So Dim
I thought you were on a diet
Wai Yu Mun Ching
This is a tow away zone
No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week
Wai Yu Kum Nao
Staying out of sight
Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his automobile
Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive
Yu Stin Ki Pu
Fa Kin Su Pa
Leroy is a 20 year-old 5th grader. This is Leroy's homework assignment. He
must use each vocabulary word in a sentence.
1. Hotel - I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tel everybody.
2. Dictate - My girlfriend say my dictate good.
3. Rectum - I had two Cadillac's, but my bitch rectum both.
4. Disappointment - My parole officer tol' me if I miss disappointment they
gonna send me back to the joint.
5. Penis - I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis.
6. Israel - Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "Man, it look fake."
He say, "Bullshit, that watch Israel."
7. Undermine - There's a fine lookin' ho living in the apartment undermine.
8. Fortify - I axed this ho on da street, "How much?" she say "forti! fy."
Furthering your education with Today's Ebonic word....
Today's word is: "OMELETTE"
Let us use it in a sentence.
"I should pop yo ass fo what you jus did, but omelette dis one slide."
Urgent = News flash !! ATTENTION
ALIENS ARE COMING TO ABDUCT ALL THE GOOD LOOKING SEXY PEOPLE.
YOU WILL PROBABLY BE SAFE, I'M JUST EMAILING TO SAY GOODBYE
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