Shit New Age Girls Say
I'm One with the Woo-nivere, How About You?
Woo Woo Are You?
Take this simple quiz to find out.
1.. You know how to clean your chakras.
2.. Prayer flags adorn your backyard.
3.. Your voicemail greeting says Namaste.
4.. You talk to your plants and they answer you.
5.. You use the words resonate or vibration in your
6.. You own a deck of animal/spirit/angel/tarot
cards (any or all).
7.. You know what a backjack is.
8.. You've consulted a pet psychic.
9.. You live in Marin, Boulder, Amherst, Sedona, or
possibly Los Angeles.
10.. You own more than 10 different kinds of herbal
11.. You have an altar in your office.
12.. Your cell phone ring is Ram Ram Sita Ram.
13.. You've done a Vision Quest.
14.. You know the word Ho means more than just a
hooker on the street.
15.. You know who you've been in past lives, and
who you'll be in future ones.
16.. You won't date someone based on what sign they
17.. You have embraced your inner child.
18.. All your vacation time is spent on retreat.
19.. You own property in an Intentional Community.
20.. You own several crystals and believe they
wield special healing powers.
21.. Your dog goes to Doggie Yoga.
22.. You know tantra isn't something a 2 year old
23.. You have used a pendulum to determine the sex
of your child when pregnant.
24.. You wear different aromatherapy scents on
different days to alter your moods.
25.. You have legally re-named yourself with a
one-word name. (for example, Tree)
26.. You have been to see a psychic, palm reader,
clairvoyant, or channeler.
27.. You are a psychic, palm reader, clairvoyant,
28.. You have become a kabbahlist and wear the
required red yarn bracelet to keep evil spirits away. If you follow
this trend to imitate Madonna (see #25) you might actually be in
another category called wanna be woo-woo, also known as 'L.A. pretend
spirituality'.You probably also have a bumper sticker that says 'Save
Tibet' even though you know nothing of the true politics behind it.
29.. You own a pair of reflexology slippers.
30.. You saw "What the Bleep" more than twice.
31.. You are intimately involved with your shadow
material (the one in your psyche, not the one on the sidewalk when it's
32.. Your Pavlovian response to a bell is to bow.
33.. You have been re-birthed.
34.. You regularly sage your house/car/workspace.
35.. You have feng shui'd your house/car/workspace.
36.. You have both solstices and equinoxes marked
in your Palm Pilot and throw ritual celebrations marking their passing.
37.. You will or won't move into a new home based
on how the address adds up in numerology.
38.. You regularly consult your dead ancestors and
live by their advice.
39.. You know what dowsing is.
40.. You spend more time talking to your spirit
guides than your real friends.
41.. You know what color your aura is.
42.. You base life decisions on whether or not
mercury is in retrograde.
43.. You've been through The Landmark Series, A
Course in Miracles, Eckankar, or EST.
44.. You have your massage therapist, Reiki practitioner,
acupuncturist, and chiropractor in your cell phone.
45.. You know your number on the
Enneagram, your soul type, and your Ayurvedic type.
46.. You have a spiritual guru and you
travel across the earth to see them.
47.. When the officer asks you what
happened? You respond, "I manifested an accident."
48.. You have a "Clean 10 Get 1 Free" Frequent Colonic card
at the Light as Feather Colonic Parlor.
49.. Life without mantras/prayers has no meaning at
50.. You are, or you employ, a Life Coach.
51.. Finally, You found yourself thinking, "Doesn't
everyone?" to most of these questions!
You Haven't Drunk the Woo-Juice Yet
13-25 On the Road to Woo-Ville
26-39 Woo Hoo!
40-51 One With the Woo-niverse
(Thank God for little church ladies with typewriters)
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday
at 8 PM in the recreation hall.
Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale.
It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the
Don't forget your husbands.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
Smile at someone who is hard to love.
Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again,"
giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don't know it,
we have a nursery down stairs.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.
They need all the help they can get.
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood
donors for more transfusions.
She is also having trouble sleeping and
requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
The Rector will preach his farewell message
after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were
married on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due
to the addition of several new members
and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and
medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 PM there will be
a hymn singing in the park across from the Church.
Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday
morning at 10 AM.
All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after
the B.S. is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake
breakfast next Sunday.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7PM.
Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in
the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.
The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing
campaign slogan last Sunday:
"I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours "
Things The Bible Bans, But You Do Anyway
Yesterday, I found myself in a discussion about the anti-abortion
people. The reason: It's just incomprehensible to us that people get so
zealous about that issue that they'll go as far as to murder doctors
who perform abortions and bomb abortion clinics.
The conversation then took its natural turn to selective, self-serving
interpretations of the Bible... finding a few verses that you can use
to justify a position that lets you impose your morality on someone,
and riding those verses hard and fast for the rest of your life.
So I thought it'd be a good time to find a bunch of stuff that the
Bible bans... stuff that's a lot LESS convenient. Don't worry,
though... just because I'm pointing it out, that doesn't mean you now
have to follow it. It's a lot easier to keep discriminating against gay
people for no particular reason than to stop eating bacon, after all.
Here are 11 things that are technically banned by the Bible. (All
quotes are translations from theNew American Standard Bible, but,
because I'm actually trying to maintain serious journalistic integrity
here, I cross-referenced several other translations to make sure I
wasn't missing the point.)
This butt cut is a guaranteed one-way ticket to sin.
1. Round haircuts. See you in
Hell, Beatles... and/or kids with bowl cuts, surfer cuts or (my
favorite) butt cuts. Leviticus 19:27 reads "You shall not round off the side-growth of
your heads nor harm the edges of your beard."
2. Football. At least, the pure
version of football, where you play with a pigskin. The modern
synthetic footballs are ugly and slippery anyways. Leviticus 11:8,
which is discussing pigs, reads "You
shall not eat of their flesh nor touch their carcasses; they are
unclean to you."
And you're doubly breaking that if you wake up, eat some sausage then
go throw around the football. Or go to the county fair and enter a
greased pig catching contest.
3. Fortune telling. Before you
call a 900 number (do people still call 900 numbers, by the way?), read
your horoscope or crack open a fortune cookie, realize you're in huge
trouble if you do. Leviticus 19:31 reads "Do not turn to mediums or spiritists; do
not seek them out to be defiled by them. I am the Lord your God."
The penalty for that? Check Leviticus 20:6: "As
for the person who turns to mediums and to spiritists, to play the
harlot after them, I will also set My face against that person and will
cut him off from among his people." Seems like a lifetime of
exile is a pretty harsh penalty for talking to Zoltar.
4. Pulling out. The Bible
doesn't get too much into birth control... it's clearly pro-populating
but, back when it was written, no one really anticipated the condom or
the sponge, so those don't get specific bans. But... pulling out does.
One of the most famous sexual-oriented Bible verses... the one that's
used as anti-masturbation rhetoric... is actually anti-pulling out.
It's Genesis 38:9-10: "Onan knew that
the offspring would not be his; so when he went in to his brother's
wife, he wasted his seed on the ground in order not to give offspring
to his brother. But what he did was displeasing in the sight of the
Lord; so He took his life also." Yep -- pull out and get smote.
5. Tattoos. No tattoos.
Leviticus 19:28 reads, "You shall not
make any cuts in your body for the dead nor make any tattoo marks on
yourselves: I am the Lord." Not even a little butterfly on your
ankle. Or Thug Life across your abdomen. Or even, fittingly enough, a
6. Polyester, or any other fabric
The Bible doesn't want you to wear polyester. Not just because it looks
cheap. It's sinfully unnatural. Leviticus 19:19 reads, "You
are to keep My statutes. You shall not breed together two kinds of your
cattle; you shall not sow your field with two kinds of seed, nor wear a
garment upon you of two kinds of material mixed together." Check
the tag on your shirt right now. Didn't realize you were mid-sin at
this exact second, did you? (Unless you checked the tag by rolling off
your neighbor's wife while you two were having anal sex in the middle
of robbing a blind guy. Then your Lycra-spandex blend is really the
least of your problems.)
7. Divorce. The Bible is very
clear on this one: No divorcing. You can't do it. Because when you
marry someone, according to Mark 10:8, "you
are no longer two, but one flesh." And, Mark 10:9 reads, "What therefore God has joined together,
let no man separate." Mark gets even more hardcore about it a
few verses later, in Mark 10:11-12, "And
He said to them, 'Whoever divorces his wife and marries another woman
commits adultery against her; and if she herself divorces her husband
and marries another man, she is committing adultery.'"
8. Letting people without testicles
Whether you've been castrated or lost one or two balls to cancer isn't
important. The Bible doesn't get that specific. It just says you can't
pray. Deuteronomy 23:1 reads (this is the God's Word translation, which
spells it out better), "A man whose
testicles are crushed or whose penis is cut off may never join the
assembly of the Lord."
Oh, and the next verse says that if you're a bastard, the child of a
bastard... or even have a
great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandchild of a bastard, you
can't come to church or synagogue either. Deuteronomy 23:2 reads, "No
one of illegitimate birth shall enter the assembly of the Lord; none of
his descendants, even to the tenth generation, shall enter the assembly
of the Lord."
9. Wearing gold. 1 Timothy 2:9
doesn't like your gold necklace at all. Or your pearl necklace. Or any
clothes you're wearing that you didn't get from Forever 21, Old Navy or
H&M. "Likewise, I want women to
adorn themselves with proper clothing, modestly and discreetly, not
with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly garments."
10. Shellfish. Leviticus 11:10
whatever is in the seas and in the rivers that does not have fins and
scales among all the teeming life of the water, and among all the
living creatures that are in the water, they are detestable things to
you." And shellfish is right in that wheelhouse. Leviticus 11
bans a TON of animals from being eaten (it's THE basis for Kosher law);
beyond shellfish and pig, it also says you can't eat camel, rock
badger, rabbit, eagle, vulture, buzzard, falcon, raven, crow, ostrich,
owl, seagull, hawk, pelican, stork, heron, bat, winged insects that
walk on four legs unless they have joints to jump with like
grasshoppers (?), bear, mole, mouse, lizard, gecko, crocodile,
chameleon and snail. Sorry if that totally ruins your plans to go to a
rock badger eat-off this weekend.
11. Your wife defending your life in
a fight by grabbing your attacker's genitals. No joke.
Deuteronomy actually devotes two verses to this exact scenario:
Deuteronomy 25:11-12. "If
two men, a man and his countryman, are struggling together, and the
wife of one comes near to deliver her husband from the hand of the one
who is striking him, and puts out her hand and seizes his genitals,
then you shall cut off her hand; you shall not show pity."
That's impossible to misinterpret. Ladies, if your husband is getting
mugged, make sure to kick the mugger in the pills. Do not do the grip
and squeeze (no matter what "Miss Congeniality" might advise). Or your
hand needs to be cut off.
As a final note, I know that nine of these 11 cite the Old Testament,
which Christianity doesn't necessarily adhere to as law. To which I
say: If you're going to ignore the section of Leviticus that bans about
tattoos, pork, shellfish, round haircuts, polyester and football, how
can you possibly turn around and quote Leviticus 18:22 "You shall not lie with a male as one lies
with a female; it is an abomination."
as irrefutable law? But that's me trying to introduce logic to
religious fanaticism (or, at least, trying to counter some mix of
ignorance, bigotry and narcissism with logic). And I should probably
explains why I forward jokes.
A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the
scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He
remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for
years. He wondered where the road was leading them.
After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of
the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was
broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.
When he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?'
'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered.
'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked.
'Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought
The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too?'
the traveler asked.
'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.'
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and
continued the way he had been going with his dog.
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came
to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had
never been closed. There was no fence.
As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree
and reading a book.
'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?'
'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.'
'How about my friend here?' the traveler gestured to the dog.
'There should be a bowl by the pump.'
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned
hand pump with a bowl beside it.
The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then
he gave some to the dog.
When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was
standing by the tree.
'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked.
'This is Heaven,' he answered.
'Well, that's confusing,' the traveler said. 'The man down
the road said that was Heaven, too.'
'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope.
'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?'
'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave
their best friends behind.'
Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without
writing a word. Maybe this will explain. When you are very busy, but
still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes. When
you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward
jokes. When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't
know how, you forward jokes.
Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still
important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you
A forwarded joke.
So, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just
another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your
friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.
All you all are welcome @ my water bowl anytime
Forgive the blasphemy!
A new priest at his first mass was so
nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting
nervous on the
pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to
get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.At the
beginning of the
sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a
storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the
note on the door:
Sip the vodka, don't
2) There are 10
commandments, not 12
There are 12 disciples,
4) Jesus was
donkey, he did not bet his ass.
We do not refer to
Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
The Father, Son, and
Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he
did not kick the sh*t out of him.
When David was hit by a
rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned
off his ass.
10) We do
not refer to the
cross as the "Big T."
When Jesus broke the
bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my
He did not say " Eat me".
The Virgin Mary is not
called "Mary with the Cherry".
The recommended grace
before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will
be taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling
contest at St.Taffy's.
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage.
In order to
better serve your needs, God asks that you take a few moments to answer
the following questions. Please keep in mind that
your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need
not disclose your name or address if you prefer not to have a direct
response to comments or suggestions.
1. How did you find out
___ New Testament
Book of Mormon
___ Other Book
___ Dead Sea
___ My mama done
___ Burning Shrubbery
2. Which model God did you
___ God of Israel
___ Just plain
___ Father, Son &
Holy Ghost (Trinity Pack)
Zeus and entourage
___ Odin and
None of the above; I
was taken in by a false god
3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working
order and with no obvious breakage or missing
If No, please describe the
problems you initially encountered here.
Please indicate all that
___ Not eternal
___ Not omniscient
___ Not omnipotent
___ His Will conflicts
with my will
___ Finite in
not occupy or inhabit the entire universe
___ Permits sex outside of
___ Prohibits sex
Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms)
doesn't stay beseeched
___ Plays dice
4. What factors were
relevant in your decision to acquire a God?
Please check all that
___ Indoctrinated by
___ Needed a reason
___ Needed target
___ Hate to think for
___ Wanted to meet
___ Fear of death
___ To piss off parents
___ Needed a day away from
___ Enjoy organ music
___ Needed focus on whom
___ Needed to
___ Needed to feel
___ Graduated from
fire and told me to do it
5. Are you currently using
any other source of inspiration in addition to God?
Please check all that
__ Self-help books
__ Tarot, Astrology
__ Star Trek re-runs
__ Fortune cookies
__ Annie's Mailbox
__ Psychic Friends Network
Playboy and/or Playgirl
Sex, Drugs, and Rock
__ Jimmy Swaggart
__ Crystals (not including
__ Burning shrubbery
6. Have you ever
worshipped a false God before?
If so, which false God
were you fooled by?
check all that
___ The Almighty
___ The Conservative
___ Eric Clapton
___ Bill Gates
___ The Great Pumpkin
___ Ronald Reagan
___ A burning cabbage
7. God employs a limited
degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt
presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer:
___ More Divine
Divine Intervention is just right
Don't know; what's
8. God also attempts to
maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles.
rate on a scale of 1 to 5 God's handling of the following, where
= unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent:
3 4 5 Flood/Tsunami
1 2 3 4
1 2 3 4 5
1 2 3 4 5 War
1 2 3 4 5 Pestilence
1 2 3 4 5 Plague
1 2 3 4 5 AOL
2 3 4 5 Republican
1 2 3 4 5 Jerry
1 2 3 4 5 Dubya
1 2 3 4 5 My last
1 2 3
4 5 Rescues
1 2 3 4 5
1 2 3 4 5 Crying
1 2 3 4 5 Water
1 2 3 4 5 Walking
1 2 3 4 5 Stars
1 2 3 4 5 DVRs
their own clocks
1 2 3 4 5
competent statements by the President
2 3 4 5 My present
9. Please rate the
following on a scale of 1 to 5, where
= unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent:
1 2 3 4 5 God's Courtesy
2 3 4 5 Answers to your
1 2 3 4 5 Are your
spiritual needs being met?
2 3 4 5 How are your
10. Do you have any
additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's
St. Francis explains Grass to God
GOD: Frank, you know all
about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on
the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds
and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance
garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought
and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms
attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to
see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all see are these green
ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The
Suburbanites! They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and
went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
GOD: Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It
doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms.
It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want
all that grass growing there?
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow
it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass
and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow
really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little,
they cut it, sometimes twice a week..
GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it
GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
ST. FRANCIS: No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw
GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will
grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it
ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.
GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back
on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and
saves them a lot of work.
ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the
grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to
water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees.
That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees
grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the
summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural
blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and
bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.
ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have
drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into
great piles and pay to have them hauled away.
GOD: No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in
the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?
ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy
something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around
in place of the leaves..
GOD: And where do they get this mulch?
ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore.
St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have
you scheduled for us tonight?
ST. CATHERINE: 'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about...
GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St.
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better
on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God
was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally fed up, God said,
'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will
run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed
across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in
Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their
computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:
'It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power went out!'
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the
past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate.
'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all
his work and I don't have any?'
God just shrugged and said,
(P.S. …but Moses invests)
When Forest Gump died, he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly
St. Peter said, "Welcome, Forest. We've heard a lot about you." He
continued, "Unfortunately, it's getting pretty crowded up here and we
find that we now have to give people an entrance examination before we
let them in."
"Okay," said Forest. "I hope it's not too hard. I've already been
through a test. My momma used to say, 'Life is like a final exam. It's
"Yes, Forest, I know. But this test is only three questions. Here they
1) Which two days of the week begin with the letter'T'?"
2) How many seconds are in a year?
3) What is God's first name?
"Well, sir," said Forest, "The first one is easy. Which two days of the
week begin with the letter 'T'? Today and Tomorrow."
St. Peter looked surprised and said, "Well, that wasn't the answer I
was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that
"The next question," said Forest, "How many seconds are in a year?
"Twelve?" said St. Peter, surprised and confused.
"Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd ."
St. Peter interrupted him. "I see what you mean. I'll have to give you
credit for that one, too."
"And the last question," said St. Peter, "What is God's first name?"
"Andy?" said St. Peter. "How did you come up with 'Andy'?"
"I learned it in church. We used to sing about it."
Forest broke into song,
"Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own."
St. Peter opened the gate to heaven and said, "Run, Forest, Run!"
Do not walk
behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me
The journey of a thousand miles begins
with a broken fan belt and a
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you
Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing
a couple of
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile
in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have
If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.
Give a man a fish and
he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember
Some days you are the bug; some days you are the
Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of
from bad judgment.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in
half and put
it back in your pocket.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a
and it holds the universe together.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your
Experience is something you don't get until just after
you need it.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not
man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He
to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke
you think I could stay the night? The monks graciously
feed him dinner, and even fix his car.
As the man tries to
fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that
has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was,
but they say, We can't tell you because you're not a
monk. The man
is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry
years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and even
fix his car. That
night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had
years earlier. The next morning, he asks what the sound
the monks reply, " We can't tell you because you're not a monk".
The man says, all right, all right. I'm dying to know. If
the only way I
can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I
The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us
how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand
pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he
knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have traveled the earth
and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you
asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and
231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.
The monks reply, congratulations, you are correct, and you are now
considered a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says,
the sound is behind that door.
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May
I have the key ?
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man requests the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door
made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And
so it went
on until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door.
The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door,
turns the knob,
and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that
strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight.
But I can't tell you
what it is because you're not a monk.
mind be as a
floating cloud. Let your stillness be as the wooded glen. And sit up
straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with posture like
There is no escaping
karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never
visited. And whose fault was that?
you are.Your luggage is another story.
practice Zen and the
art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following: get rid of the
motorcycle. What were you thinking?
Be aware of
Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical
sensation is a symptom of a
If there is no self,
whose arthritis is this?
The Tao has no
expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao does not
speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao is
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this, and attaining Enlightenment will
be the least of your
Drink tea and nourish
life. With the first sip, joy. With the second, satisfaction. With the
The Buddha taught that
one should practice loving kindness to all sentient beings. Still,
would it kill you to find a nice sentient being who happens to
Be patient and achieve
all things Be impatient and achieve all things faster.
To Find the Buddha, look
within. Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms
ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might
want to see a specialist.
Be here now. Be
someplace else later. Is that so complicated?
Zen is not easy. It
takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkes.
Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for
perfect health, or a life without problems. What would you talk about?
The Torah says Love your neighbor as your self. The
Buddha says, There is no Self. So, maybe we are off the hook?
A New Age Lullaby
Hush little baby don't you squall
Momma's gonna buy you a crystal ball
And if you still can't see beyond
Momma's gonna buy you a magic wand
And if that wand don't change your fate
Momma's gonna teach you to levitate
And if the astral makes you sick,
Momma's gonna buy you an incense stick
And if that patchouli smells too rank
She'll buy you a sensory deprivation tank
And if that tank don't float your bones
Momma's gonna buy you some precious stones
And if those gems don't ease your heart
Momma's gonna buy you a natal chart
And if your planets go berserk
Momma's gonna buy you some bodywork
And if your aura still needs kneading
Momma's gonna buy you a past life reading
And if your destiny stays hid
Momma's gonna buy you a pyramid
And if your chakras still feel stressed
Momma's gonna take you on a vision quest
And if power animals don't come to charm ya
Sorry, kid, it's just your karma.
having an out-of-body experience and almost
yesterday, so I grounded myself, did some toning and
with the help of my spirit guides... and then the phone rang, and
sensing the negative vibrations, I threw the I Ching
my numerology chart, nearly having a primal, but my energy was
blocked. I used self hypnosis to go into a past
but only went to age three. I found my wounded inner child
there, plus a spirit attachment and alien implant. I
exorcism, but couldn't bring myself to let go of
the attachments. So I
did some bioenergetics and self-parenting, took some
flower essences and ate an organic oat bran ginseng muffin,
wasn't feeling nurtured yet. To fix this, I had a Rice Dream
Pie, which of course made me
hyper, so I did the relaxation response technique I had
at the Self Healing Angst Tree Defoliating Center
to my subliminal tapes. But
that left me feeling depersonalized, so I did some
foot reflexology and therapeutic touch, then rebirthed
called MoonBeam my body worker to make an appointment
for a Shiatsu / Reiki / Rolfing / Feldenkreis /
Japanese deep tissue massage. Unfortunately, she
and never returned my call, so I decided
to energize my crystals and do some positive imagery
visualization techniques and affirmations made my space
feel invaded. It was
then that I realized Mercury was retrograde, and the
were at a high intensity level. So to get empowered, I got
reading from Mother Heart Love around the issue of
my assertiveness so I could feel my radiance and have some
psycho calisthenics and inversion swing before my harmonic
synergy session and sound mattress vibrational tuning. This
made me more focused for my actualization seminar,
class and dream workshop, which in turn made me clearer for my
behavioral cognitive transpersonal Rechian - Jungian -
Ericksonian session at the hot springs, but my aura
was too weak for my trance channeling group, so I fasted until
noon to recharge my chakras. At that point, I sensed my
was high and my cycle was focused, so I turned on my ion
to open up for my Neural Linguistic Programming
needed to have my pyramid recharged before my
meditation, so I got some craniosacral therapy, which aligned
me for the fire walk between my tarot card reading and
deprivation tank appointment. But
even after all that, I felt what I truly needed was a meaningful
relationship to mirror myself, so I went to my personal shaman and then
my guru, but they were no help. So instead I went to the
Intensive Whole Life Earth Rebirth Cosmic Expo Symposium Workshop to
someone who really knew what was going on. That
didn't help either, so I locked myself in a calcium coated Orgone
Box and meditated until 9PM. None of
it really worked for me, so I
got stoned and drank a whole bottle of wine.............
lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a
problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one
"What do they say" the priest inquired.
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun".
obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. "You
know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two
male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage
with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray
"Thank you," the woman responded, "This may very well be the solution."
next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he
ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their
cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over
and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison, "Hi, we're
hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other
male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have
(from Swami Beyondananda ?)
Clown Scientists have found that all our problems can be placed under
one heading: Seriousness.
Seriousness is the leading cause of everything from Cancer
to Reincarnation. Scientists from the Clown Academy
have already discovered a new source of healing. It is a psychic energy
point located between
the heart chakra and the throat chakra. It is called
the Clown Chakra.
people are feeling miserable, if they have financial problems,
if their relationship situation is the
pits, if they are in ill health, if they have a
need to sue people, if they find fault with their
brother, then obviously, their Clown Chakra is closed.
this happens, the scientists have observed under a
high-powered microscope that the cells of every organ
display a sad face, and when the Clown Chakra is open
and functioning normally, the cells display a happy
scientists realized that if a person is ill, it is because
his mind has projected guilt onto the cells if his
body and has forced out the love that is normally found
within each cell of the body. The cells are therefore saying,
"I lack Love," or "ILL" for short. The
scientists also discovered that all disease is due to the
fact that the cells are out of ease or dis-eased.
the Clown Chakra is opened and working (or rather,
playing) properly, the psychic mechanism sucks
up misery, pain, anger, resentment, grievances,
unhappiness, etc., and converts the energy into tiny red
heart-shaped balloons. The red heart-shaped
balloons contain Love and Joy. These balloons are
directed to the dis-eased cell or situation, and a happy
face appears instantly. When the light enters the
darkness, the darkness is gone. Sometimes these red
heart-shaped balloons are called endorphins, due to the
fact that when anyone experiences them, the feeling
of separation ends. They experience being back
home with All That Is and hence are no longer an orphan.
This is the well-known end-orphan (endorphin) effect.
you think someone is attacking you, Clown Scientists recommend
that you visualize sending that person
red heart-shaped balloons filled with Love and Joy.
Remember to keep your Clown Chakra open and remember to laugh..
Seriousness causes reincarnation.
Drive Your Karma,
Park Your Dogma
Guidelines for Enlightenment
1. Be a Fundamentalist - make sure the Fun always comes
before the Mental. Realize that life is a situation comedy that will
never be canceled. A laugh track has been provided, and the reason why
we are put in the material world is to get more material.
2. Have a good laughsitive twice a day, and that will ensure
regularhilarity. Remember that each of us has been given a special
gift, just for entering so you are already a winner!
3. The most powerful tool on the planet today is Tell-A-Vision. That is
where I tell a vision to you, and you tell a vision to me. That way, if
we don't like the programming we're getting, we can simply change the
4. Life is like photography. You use the negative to develop. And, no
matter what adversity you face, be reassured: Of course God loves you.
He's just not ready to make a commitment.
5. It is true. As we go through life thinking heavy thoughts, thought
particles tend to get caught between the ears, causing a condition
called truth decay. So be sure to use mental floss twice a day. And
when you're tempted to practice tantrum yoga, remember what we teach in
Swami's Absurdiveness Training class: "Don't get even, get odd."
6. If we want world peace, we must let go of our attachments and truly
live like nomads. That's where I no mad at you, you no mad at me. That
way, there'll surely be nomadness on the planet. And peace begins with
each of us. A little peace here, a little peace there, pretty soon all
the peaces will fit together to make one big peace everywhere.
7. I know great earth changes have been predicted for the future, so if
you're looking to avoid earthquakes, my advice is simple. When you find
a fault, just don't dwell on it.
8. There's no need to change the world. All we have to do is toilet
train the world, and we'll never have to change it again.
9. If you're looking to find the key to the Universe, I have some bad
news and some good news. The bad news is there is no key to the
Universe. The good news is it has been left unlocked.
10. Finally, everything I have told you is channeled. That way, if you
don't like it, it's not your fault. And remember, enlightenment is not
a bureaucracy. So we don't have to go through channels.
by Sun Sign
ARIES: "Dear God! Give me PATIENCE and I
want it NOW !"
TAURUS "Dear God, please help me accept CHANGE in my life, but NOT
GEMINI: "Yo God (or is it Goddess?).Who are you? What are you? Where
are You? How many of you ARE there? I can't figure you out!"
CANCER: "Dear Daddy, I know I shouldn't depend on you so much, but
you're the only One I can count on while my security blanket is at the
LEO: "Hi, Pop! I'll bet you're really proud to have me as your kid!"
VIRGO: "Dear God, please make the world a better place, and don't screw
it up like you did the last time."
LIBRA: "Dear God, I know I should make decisions for myself. But, on
the other hand, what do YOU think?"
SCORPIO: "Dear God, help me forgive my enemies, even if the bastards
don't deserve it."
SAGITTARIUS: "OH ALMIGHTY, ALL KNOWING, ALL -LOVING, ALL -POWERFUL,
OMNIPRESENT, EVERLASTING GOD, IF I'VE ASKED YOU ONCE, I'VE ASKED YOU A
THOUSAND TIMES --- HELP ME STOP EXAGGERATING!!!!"
CAPRICORN: "Dear Father, I was going to pray, but I guess I ought to
figure things out for myself. Thanks anyway."
AQUARIUS: "Hi God! Some say you're a man. Some say you're a woman. I
say we're ALL God. So, why pray? Let's have a party!"
PISCES: "Heavenly Father, as I prepare to consume this last fifth of
Scotch to drown out my pain and sorrow, may my inebriation be for Thy
greater Honor and Glory."
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will overhear people talking about you today, and realize that you
have a reputation as a real stud hombre cyber-muffin. You will find
that intensely irritating.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Excellent day to devour fruit, while making snarling sounds and glaring
at persons nearby. Next, tear the heads off the carnations and stuff
them partway up your nose, and make strange wuffling sounds while
vigorously wiggling your eyebrows. Or don't, if you're going to be
stuffy. It's your life.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
People will begin complimenting you on how clean you are. You will find
this strangely irritating.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Poit twoonie squaggle? Floon morble tid bubbu taha, hen? Hen?
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Job interview today, eh? Good show! Eat a bunch of oreos just before,
and smile a lot. They'll spend their time staring at your teeth, that
way. (Not at your resume.)
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You are developing a strangely magnetic personality. Soon people you
don't even know will begin hanging around with you, hoping for some
small sign of your attention. Also, iron filings will begin sticking to
the tip of your nose.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Unknown to you, people think you are a wimp - just because of your weak
handshake. You need to get one of those hand exercisers, and use it
constantly for a few months. Then, crush their little hands into pulp!
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Good time to consider capitalizing on the wave of 70's nostalgia that
is sweeping the land. Why not try making shag carpeting? At least you
should sit around in your beanbag chairs and discuss it.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
More fun with twine, today. Isn't it great!?
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Excellent time to make up your own names for kitchen implements. You'll
discover that you don't have nearly enough sticklers, but that you have
every reason to be proud of your flatula.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
While idly doodling on a notepad, today, you will accidentally draw a
symbol sacred to an ancient voodoo deity, and will open a gap into part
of the astral plane that is even less appealing than Akron, Ohio.
and Religion Shit List
Taoism: Shit happens.
Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit
Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really
Zen Buddhism: Shit is, and is not.
Zen Buddhism #2: What is the sound of shit
Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of
Islam #2: If shit happens, kill the person
Islam #3: If shit happens, blame Israel.
Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve
Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone
Presbyterian: This shit was bound to
Episcopalian: It's not so bad if shit
happens, as long as you serve the right wine with it.
Methodist: It's not so bad if shit happens,
as long as you serve grape juice with it.
Congregationalist: Shit that happens to one
person is just as good as shit that happens to another.
Unitarian: Shit that happens to one person
is just as bad as shit that happens to another.
Lutheran: If shit happens, don't talk about
Fundamentalism: If shit happens, you will
go to hell, unless you are born again. (Amen!)
Fundamentalism #2: If shit happens to a
televangelist, it's okay.
Fundamentalism #3: Shit must be born again.
Judaism: Why does this shit always happen
Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't
Seventh Day Adventism: No shit shall happen
Creationism: God made all shit.
Secular Humanism: Shit evolves.
Christian Science: When shit happens, don't
call a doctor - pray!
Christian Science #2: Shit happening is all
in your mind.
Unitarianism: Come let us reason together
about this shit.
Quakers: Let us not fight over this shit.
Utopianism: This shit does not stink.
Darwinism: This shit was once food.
Capitalism: That's MY shit.
Communism: It's everybody's shit.
Feminism: Men are shit.
Chauvinism: We may be shit, but you can't
live without us...
Commercialism: Let's package this shit.
Impressionism: From a distance, shit looks
like a garden.
Idolism: Let's bronze this shit.
Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen; shit
Existentialism #2: What is shit, anyway?
Stoicism: This shit is good for me.
Hedonism: There is nothing like a good shit
Mormonism: God sent us this shit.
Mormonism #2: This shit is going to happen
Wiccan: An it harm none, let shit happen.
Scientology: If shit happens, see
Jehovah's Witnesses: >Knock<
>Knock< Shit happens.
Jehovah's Witnesses #2: May we have a
moment of your time to show you some of our shit?
Jehovah's Witnesses #3: Shit has been
prophesied and is imminent; only the righteous shall survive its
Moonies: Only really happy shit happens.
Hare Krishna: Shit happens, rama rama.
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!
Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half on the
Church of SubGenius: BoB shits.
Practical: Deal with shit one day at a
Agnostic: Shit might have happened; then
again, maybe not.
Agnostic #2: Did someone shit?
Agnostic #3: What is this shit?
Satanism: SNEPPAH TIHS.
Atheism: What shit?
Atheism #2: I can't believe this shit!
Nihilism: No shit.
Alcoholics Anonymous: Shit
happens-one day at a time!
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife
He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at
I want her to know what I go through.
So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
Awakened the kids,
Set out their school clothes,
Fed them breakfast,
Packed their lunches,
Drove them to school,
Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,
Took it to the cleaners
And stopped at the bank to make a deposit,
Went grocery shopping,
Then drove home to put away the groceries,
Paid the bills and balanced the check book.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
Then, it was already 01P.M.
And he hurried to make the beds,
Do the laundry, vacuum, dust,
And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with
them on the way home.
Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their
Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV wh ile he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad,
breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
He cleaned the kitchen,
Ran the dishwasher,
Bathed the kids,
And put them to bed.
At 09 P.M .
He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went
to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get
through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and
'Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.
I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.
Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back.
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to
change things back to the way they were.
You'll just have to wait nine months, though.
You got pregnant last night.'
This has been voted Women's Favorite E-mail of the Year!
EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona
chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student. The
answer by this student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or
endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's
Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or
some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass
of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls
are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is
unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets
to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how
many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions
that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of
their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of
these religions and since people do not belong to more than one
religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and
death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to
increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the
volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the
temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell
has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which
souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will
increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of
souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my
Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with
you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night,
then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is
exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is
that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting
any more souls and is therefore, extinct, leaving only Heaven, thereby
proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night,
Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+
appears before the pearly gates.
"Have you ever done anything of
particular merit?" St.
"Well, I can think of
the man offers."Once I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who
were threatening a young woman. I
directed them to
leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest
and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him on the head, kicked his
ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him,
"Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me."
Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"
"A couple of minutes ago."
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