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SPIRITUAL HUMOR

Shit New Age Girls Say


Subject: I'm One with the Woo-nivere, How About You?
How Woo Woo Are You?
Take this simple quiz to find out.

1.. You know how to clean your chakras.
2.. Prayer flags adorn your backyard.
3.. Your voicemail greeting says Namaste.
4.. You talk to your plants and they answer you.
5.. You use the words resonate or vibration in your daily speech.
6.. You own a deck of animal/spirit/angel/tarot cards (any or all).
7.. You know what a backjack is.
8.. You've consulted a pet psychic.
9.. You live in Marin, Boulder, Amherst, Sedona, or possibly Los Angeles.
10.. You own more than 10 different kinds of herbal tea.
11.. You have an altar in your office.
12.. Your cell phone ring is Ram Ram Sita Ram.
13.. You've done a Vision Quest.
14.. You know the word Ho means more than just a hooker on the street.
15.. You know who you've been in past lives, and who you'll be in future ones.
16.. You won't date someone based on what sign they are.
17.. You have embraced your inner child.
18.. All your vacation time is spent on retreat.
19.. You own property in an Intentional Community.
20.. You own several crystals and believe they wield special healing powers.
21.. Your dog goes to Doggie Yoga.
22.. You know tantra isn't something a 2 year old throws.
23.. You have used a pendulum to determine the sex of your child when pregnant.
24.. You wear different aromatherapy scents on different days to alter your moods.
25.. You have legally re-named yourself with a one-word name.  (for example, Tree)
26.. You have been to see a psychic, palm reader, clairvoyant, or channeler.
27.. You are a psychic, palm reader, clairvoyant, or channeler.
28.. You have become a kabbahlist and wear the required red yarn bracelet to keep evil spirits away. If you follow this trend to imitate Madonna (see #25) you might actually be in another category called wanna be woo-woo, also known as 'L.A. pretend spirituality'.You probably also have a bumper sticker that says 'Save Tibet' even though you know nothing of the true politics behind it.
29.. You own a pair of reflexology slippers.
30.. You saw "What the Bleep" more than twice.
31.. You are intimately involved with your shadow material (the one in your psyche, not the one on the sidewalk when it's sunny).
32.. Your Pavlovian response to a bell is to bow.
33.. You have been re-birthed.
34.. You regularly sage your house/car/workspace.
35.. You have feng shui'd your house/car/workspace.
36.. You have both solstices and equinoxes marked in your Palm Pilot and throw ritual celebrations marking their passing.
37.. You will or won't move into a new home based on how the address adds up in numerology.
38.. You regularly consult your dead ancestors and live by their advice.
39.. You know what dowsing is.
40.. You spend more time talking to your spirit guides than your real friends.
41.. You know what color your aura is.
42.. You base life decisions on whether or not mercury is in retrograde.
43.. You've been through The Landmark Series, A Course in Miracles, Eckankar, or EST.
44.. You have your massage therapist, Reiki practitioner, acupuncturist, and chiropractor in your cell phone.
45..  You know your number on the Enneagram, your soul type, and your Ayurvedic type.
46..  You have a spiritual guru and you travel across the earth to see them.
47..  When the officer asks you what happened?  You respond, "I manifested an accident."
48.. You have a "Clean 10 Get 1 Free" Frequent Colonic card at the Light as Feather Colonic Parlor.
49.. Life without mantras/prayers has no meaning at all.
50.. You are, or you employ, a Life Coach.
51..  Finally, You found yourself thinking, "Doesn't everyone?" to most of these questions!

Scoring
1-12    You Haven't Drunk the Woo-Juice Yet
13-25    On the Road to Woo-Ville
26-39    Woo Hoo!
40-51    One With the Woo-niverse

Subject: Church Announcements:
(Thank God for little church ladies with typewriters)
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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
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Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall.
Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale.
It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.
Don't forget your husbands.
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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
Smile at someone who is hard to love.
Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
 ------------------------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again,"
giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
 ------------------------------------------------------------
 For those of you who have children and don't know it,
we have a nursery down stairs.
 ------------------------------------------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.
They need all the help they can get.
 ------------------------------------------------------------
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions.
She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
 ------------------------------------------------------------
The  Rector will preach his farewell message
after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
 ------------------------------------------------------------
Irving  Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.
 ------------------------------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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 Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members
and to the deterioration of some older ones.
 ------------------------------------------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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  Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
 ------------------------------------------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
 ------------------------------------------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church.
Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
 ------------------------------------------------------------
 Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM.
All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
 ------------------------------------------------------------
  The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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 Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7PM.
Please use the back door.
 ------------------------------------------------------------
 The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.
The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
 ------------------------------------------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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 The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday:
"I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours "

11 Things The Bible Bans, But You Do Anyway

Yesterday, I found myself in a discussion about the anti-abortion people. The reason: It's just incomprehensible to us that people get so zealous about that issue that they'll go as far as to murder doctors who perform abortions and bomb abortion clinics. 
The conversation then took its natural turn to selective, self-serving interpretations of the Bible... finding a few verses that you can use to justify a position that lets you impose your morality on someone, and riding those verses hard and fast for the rest of your life.
So I thought it'd be a good time to find a bunch of stuff that the Bible bans... stuff that's a lot LESS convenient. Don't worry, though... just because I'm pointing it out, that doesn't mean you now have to follow it. It's a lot easier to keep discriminating against gay people for no particular reason than to stop eating bacon, after all.
Here are 11 things that are technically banned by the Bible. (All quotes are translations from theNew American Standard Bible, but, because I'm actually trying to maintain serious journalistic integrity here, I cross-referenced several other translations to make sure I wasn't missing the point.)

This butt cut is a guaranteed one-way ticket to sin.

1. Round haircuts. See you in Hell, Beatles... and/or kids with bowl cuts, surfer cuts or (my favorite) butt cuts. Leviticus 19:27 reads "You shall not round off the side-growth of your heads nor harm the edges of your beard."

2. Football. At least, the pure version of football, where you play with a pigskin. The modern synthetic footballs are ugly and slippery anyways. Leviticus 11:8, which is discussing pigs, reads "You shall not eat of their flesh nor touch their carcasses; they are unclean to you." And you're doubly breaking that if you wake up, eat some sausage then go throw around the football. Or go to the county fair and enter a greased pig catching contest.

3. Fortune telling. Before you call a 900 number (do people still call 900 numbers, by the way?), read your horoscope or crack open a fortune cookie, realize you're in huge trouble if you do. Leviticus 19:31 reads "Do not turn to mediums or spiritists; do not seek them out to be defiled by them. I am the Lord your God." The penalty for that? Check Leviticus 20:6: "As for the person who turns to mediums and to spiritists, to play the harlot after them, I will also set My face against that person and will cut him off from among his people." Seems like a lifetime of exile is a pretty harsh penalty for talking to Zoltar.

4. Pulling out. The Bible doesn't get too much into birth control... it's clearly pro-populating but, back when it was written, no one really anticipated the condom or the sponge, so those don't get specific bans. But... pulling out does. One of the most famous sexual-oriented Bible verses... the one that's used as anti-masturbation rhetoric... is actually anti-pulling out. It's Genesis 38:9-10: "Onan knew that the offspring would not be his; so when he went in to his brother's wife, he wasted his seed on the ground in order not to give offspring to his brother. But what he did was displeasing in the sight of the Lord; so He took his life also." Yep -- pull out and get smote. That's harsh.

Banned

5. Tattoos. No tattoos. Leviticus 19:28 reads, "You shall not make any cuts in your body for the dead nor make any tattoo marks on yourselves: I am the Lord." Not even a little butterfly on your ankle. Or Thug Life across your abdomen. Or even, fittingly enough, a cross.

6. Polyester, or any other fabric blends. The Bible doesn't want you to wear polyester. Not just because it looks cheap. It's sinfully unnatural. Leviticus 19:19 reads, "You are to keep My statutes. You shall not breed together two kinds of your cattle; you shall not sow your field with two kinds of seed, nor wear a garment upon you of two kinds of material mixed together." Check the tag on your shirt right now. Didn't realize you were mid-sin at this exact second, did you? (Unless you checked the tag by rolling off your neighbor's wife while you two were having anal sex in the middle of robbing a blind guy. Then your Lycra-spandex blend is really the least of your problems.)

7. Divorce. The Bible is very clear on this one: No divorcing. You can't do it. Because when you marry someone, according to Mark 10:8, "you are no longer two, but one flesh." And, Mark 10:9 reads, "What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate." Mark gets even more hardcore about it a few verses later, in Mark 10:11-12, "And He said to them, 'Whoever divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her; and if she herself divorces her husband and marries another man, she is committing adultery.'"

8. Letting people without testicles into church. Whether you've been castrated or lost one or two balls to cancer isn't important. The Bible doesn't get that specific. It just says you can't pray. Deuteronomy 23:1 reads (this is the God's Word translation, which spells it out better), "A man whose testicles are crushed or whose penis is cut off may never join the assembly of the Lord." Oh, and the next verse says that if you're a bastard, the child of a bastard... or even have a great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandchild of a bastard, you can't come to church or synagogue either. Deuteronomy 23:2 reads, "No one of illegitimate birth shall enter the assembly of the Lord; none of his descendants, even to the tenth generation, shall enter the assembly of the Lord."

9. Wearing gold. 1 Timothy 2:9 doesn't like your gold necklace at all. Or your pearl necklace. Or any clothes you're wearing that you didn't get from Forever 21, Old Navy or H&M. "Likewise, I want women to adorn themselves with proper clothing, modestly and discreetly, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly garments."

All Banned

10. Shellfish. Leviticus 11:10 reads, "But whatever is in the seas and in the rivers that does not have fins and scales among all the teeming life of the water, and among all the living creatures that are in the water, they are detestable things to you." And shellfish is right in that wheelhouse. Leviticus 11 bans a TON of animals from being eaten (it's THE basis for Kosher law); beyond shellfish and pig, it also says you can't eat camel, rock badger, rabbit, eagle, vulture, buzzard, falcon, raven, crow, ostrich, owl, seagull, hawk, pelican, stork, heron, bat, winged insects that walk on four legs unless they have joints to jump with like grasshoppers (?), bear, mole, mouse, lizard, gecko, crocodile, chameleon and snail. Sorry if that totally ruins your plans to go to a rock badger eat-off this weekend.

11. Your wife defending your life in a fight by grabbing your attacker's genitals. No joke. Deuteronomy actually devotes two verses to this exact scenario: Deuteronomy 25:11-12. "If two men, a man and his countryman, are struggling together, and the wife of one comes near to deliver her husband from the hand of the one who is striking him, and puts out her hand and seizes his genitals, then you shall cut off her hand; you shall not show pity." That's impossible to misinterpret. Ladies, if your husband is getting mugged, make sure to kick the mugger in the pills. Do not do the grip and squeeze (no matter what "Miss Congeniality" might advise). Or your hand needs to be cut off.

As a final note, I know that nine of these 11 cite the Old Testament, which Christianity doesn't necessarily adhere to as law. To which I say: If you're going to ignore the section of Leviticus that bans about tattoos, pork, shellfish, round haircuts, polyester and football, how can you possibly turn around and quote Leviticus 18:22 "You shall not lie with a male as one lies with a female; it is an abomination." as irrefutable law? But that's me trying to introduce logic to religious fanaticism (or, at least, trying to counter some mix of ignorance, bigotry and narcissism with logic). And I should probably know better.
This explains why I forward jokes.
A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.
After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.
When he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?'
'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered.
'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked.
'Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up.'
The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too?'
the traveler asked.
'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.'
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.
As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.
'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?'
'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.'
'How about my friend here?' the traveler gestured to the dog.
'There should be a bowl by the pump.'
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.
The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.
When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.
'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked.
'This is Heaven,' he answered.
'Well, that's confusing,' the traveler said. 'The man down
the road said that was Heaven, too.'
'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell.'
'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?'
'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.'

Soooo.....
Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word. Maybe this will explain. When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes. When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes. When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes.
Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get?
A forwarded joke.
So, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your
friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.
All you all are welcome @ my water bowl anytime

Subject: Forgive the blasphemy!
 A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body."
 He did not say " Eat me".
12) The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry".
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St.Taffy's.

    SUBJECT: GOD'S SURVEY
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, God asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind  that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address if you prefer not to have a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about God?
___ Newspaper
___ New Testament
___ Torah
___ Book of Mormon
___ Koran
___ Other Book
___ Television
___ Divine Inspiration
___ Word of mouth
___ Dead Sea scrolls
___ My mama done tol' me
___ Near-death Experience
___ Near-life experience
___ National Public Radio
___ Tabloid
___ Burning Shrubbery
___ Who?
___ Other (specify): _____________

2. Which model God did you acquire?
___ God of Israel
___ Jehovah
___ Allah
___ Higher Power
___ Just plain God
___ Krishna
___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost (Trinity Pack)
___ Zeus and entourage (Olympus Pack)
___ Odin and entourage (Valhalla Pack)
___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?  __ Yes __ No

If No, please describe the problems you initially encountered here.

Please indicate all that apply:
___ Not eternal
___ Not omniscient
___ Not omnipotent
___ His Will conflicts with my will
___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe
___ Permits sex outside of marriage
___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
___ Makes mistakes (e.g., Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms)
___ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
___ Requires burnt offerings
___ Requires virgin sacrifices
___ Plays dice with the universe

4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a God?

Please check all that apply.
___ Indoctrinated by parents
___ Needed a reason to live
___ Indoctrinated by society
___ Needed target for rage
___ Imaginary friend grew up
___ Hate to think for self
___ Wanted to meet girls/boys
___ Fear of death
___ To piss off parents
___ Needed a day away from work
___ Enjoy organ music
___ Needed focus on whom to despise
___ Needed to feel morally superior
___ Needed to feel Mother Superior
___ Graduated from the tooth fairy
___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

5. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God?

Please check all that apply.
__ Self-help books
__ Tarot, Astrology
__ Star Trek re-runs
__ Fortune cookies
__ Annie's Mailbox
__ Psychic Friends Network
__ Dianetics
__ Playboy and/or Playgirl
__ Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll
__ Biorhythms
__ EST
__ Television
__ Mantras
__ Jimmy Swaggart
__ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
__ Human Sacrifice
__ Wandering around in desert
__ Burning shrubbery
__ Other:_____________________

6. Have you ever worshipped a false God before?

If so, which false God were you fooled by?
Please check all that apply.

___ Odin
___ Cthulhu
___ Lottery
___ Baal
___ Beelzebub
___ The Almighty Dollar
___ The Conservative Right
___ Eric Clapton
___ Bill Gates
___ The Great Pumpkin
___ Ronald Reagan
___ A burning cabbage
___ Mushrooms
___ Other: ________________

7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer:

___ More Divine Intervention
___ Less Divine Intervention
___ Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
___ Don't know; what's Divine Intervention?

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles.

Please rate on a scale of 1 to 5 God's handling of the following, where
    1 = unsatisfactory,  5 = excellent:

DISASTERS:
1 2 3 4 5 Flood/Tsunami
1 2 3 4 5 Famine
1 2 3 4 5 Earthquake
1 2 3 4 5 War
1 2 3 4 5 Pestilence
1 2 3 4 5 Plague
1 2 3 4 5 AOL
1 2 3 4 5 Republican Congress
1 2 3 4 5 Jerry Lewis
1 2 3 4 5 Dubya
1 2 3 4 5 My last relationship

MIRACLES:
1 2 3 4 5 Rescues
1 2 3 4 5 Spontaneous remissions
1 2 3 4 5 Crying statues
1 2 3 4 5 Water changing to wine
1 2 3 4 5 Walking on water
1 2 3 4 5 Stars hovering over towns
1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks
1 2 3 4 5 Clear and competent statements by the President
1 2 3 4 5 My present relationship

9. Please rate the following on a scale of 1 to 5, where
    1 = unsatisfactory,  5 = excellent:

1 2 3 4 5 God's Courtesy
1 2 3 4 5 Answers to your prayers
1 2 3 4 5 Are your spiritual needs being met?
1 2 3 4 5 How are your shrubs doing?

10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services

St. Francis explains Grass to God  
GOD: Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and  stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now.  But, all see are these green rectangles.
ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites!  They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and  went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
GOD: Grass? But, it's so boring.  It's not colorful.  It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures.  Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord.  They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green.  They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other  plant that crops up in the lawn.
GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast.  That must make the Suburbanites  happy.
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord.  As soon as it grows a little, they cut it, sometimes twice a week..
GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
GOD:  They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
ST. FRANCIS: No, Sir, just the opposite.  They pay to throw it away.
GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow.  And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.
GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
GOD: What nonsense.  At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer.  In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes.  It's a natural cycle of life.
ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord.  The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.
GOD: No!?  What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?
ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves..
GOD: And where do they get this mulch?
ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
GOD: Enough!  I don't want to think about this anymore.  St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?
ST. CATHERINE: 'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about...
GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.

Jesus and Satan
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.'
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off..
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:
'It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power went out!'
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate.
'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?'
God just shrugged and said,
JESUS SAVES

(P.S. …but Moses invests)

Run Forrest Run
When Forest Gump died, he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter said, "Welcome, Forest. We've heard a lot about you." He continued, "Unfortunately, it's getting pretty crowded up here and we find that we now have to give people an entrance examination before we let them in."
"Okay," said Forest. "I hope it's not too hard. I've already been through a test. My momma used to say, 'Life is like a final exam. It's hard.' "
"Yes, Forest, I know. But this test is only three questions. Here they are."
1) Which two days of the week begin with the letter'T'?"
2) How many seconds are in a year?
3) What is God's first name?

"Well, sir," said Forest, "The first one is easy. Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Today and Tomorrow."
St. Peter looked surprised and said, "Well, that wasn't the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that answer."
"The next question," said Forest, "How many seconds are in a year? Twelve."
"Twelve?" said St. Peter, surprised and confused.
"Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd ."
St. Peter interrupted him. "I see what you mean. I'll have to give you credit for that one, too."
"And the last question," said St. Peter, "What is God's first name?"
"It's Andy."
"Andy?" said St. Peter. "How did you come up with 'Andy'?"
"I learned it in church. We used to sing about it."
Forest broke into song,
"Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own."
St. Peter opened the gate to heaven and said, "Run, Forest, Run!"

ZEN THOUGHTS
  • Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me alone.
  • The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
  • It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
  • Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
  • Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
  • Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
  • If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
  • Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
  • If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
  • Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
  • If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
  • If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
  • Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
  • Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
  • Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
  • The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
  • A closed mouth gathers no foot.
  • Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
  • There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
  • Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
  • Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
  • Never miss a good chance to shut up.
  • The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed
    THE MONKS' SECRET

    A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He  goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke  down. Do you think I could stay the night?  The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. 

    As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they  say, We can't tell you because you're not a  monk.  The  man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry  way.

    Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same  monastery. The  monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car. That  night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard  years earlier.  The  next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply, " We can't tell you because you're not a monk".

    The man says, all right, all right. I'm dying to know.  If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how  do I become a monk?

    The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades  of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.
     
    The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and  knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have traveled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what  you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and  231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the  earth.

    The monks reply, congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.

    The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.
     
    The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key ?
     
    The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
     
    Behind  the wooden door is another door made of stone...  The man requests  the key to the stone door.
     
    The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of  ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind  that door is another door, this one made of  sapphire.  And so it  went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...

    ...silver,  topaz, and amethyst.
     
    Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door .

    The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight.






                                    But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a  monk.

 THOUGHTS OF A JEWISH BUDDHIST
  • Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as the wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with posture like that.
  • There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?
  • Wherever you go, there you are.Your luggage is another story.
  • To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following: get rid of the motorcycle. What were you thinking?
  • Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.
  • If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?
  • The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao is not Jewish.
  • Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this, and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.
  • Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy. With the second, satisfaction. With the third, Danish.
  • The Buddha taught that one should practice loving kindness to all sentient beings. Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient being who happens to be Jewish?
  • Be patient and achieve all things Be impatient and achieve all things faster.
  • To Find the Buddha, look within. Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.
  • Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?
  • Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkes.
  • Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without problems. What would you talk about?
  • The Torah says Love your neighbor as your self. The Buddha says, There is no Self. So, maybe we are off the hook?

A New Age Lullaby
Hush little baby don't you squall
Momma's gonna buy you a crystal ball
And if you still can't see beyond
Momma's gonna buy you a magic wand
And if that wand don't change your fate
Momma's gonna teach you to levitate
And if the astral makes you sick,
Momma's gonna buy you an incense stick
And if that patchouli smells too rank
She'll buy you a sensory deprivation tank
And if that tank don't float your bones
Momma's gonna buy you some precious stones
And if those gems don't ease your heart
Momma's gonna buy you a natal chart
And if your planets go berserk
Momma's gonna buy you some bodywork
And if your aura still needs kneading
Momma's gonna buy you a past life reading
And if your destiny stays hid
Momma's gonna buy you a pyramid
And if your chakras still feel stressed
Momma's gonna take you on a vision quest
And if power animals don't come to charm ya
Sorry, kid, it's just your karma.

What a day!
I was having an out-of-body experience and almost astral-traveled away yesterday, so I grounded myself, did some toning and got centered with the help of my spirit guides... and then the phone rang, and sensing the negative vibrations, I threw the I Ching and checked my numerology chart, nearly having a primal, but my energy was too blocked. I used self hypnosis to go into a past life regression, but only went to age three. I found my wounded inner child there, plus a spirit attachment and alien implant. I thought about exorcism, but couldn't bring myself to let go of the attachments. So I did some bioenergetics and self-parenting, took some flower essences and ate an organic oat bran ginseng muffin, but my inner child wasn't feeling nurtured yet. To fix this, I had a Rice Dream Frozen Pie, which of course made me hyper, so I did the relaxation response technique I had just learned at the Self Healing Angst Tree Defoliating Center while listening to my subliminal tapes. But that left me feeling depersonalized, so I did some polarity work, foot reflexology and therapeutic touch, then rebirthed myself, and called MoonBeam my body worker to make an appointment for a Shiatsu / Reiki / Rolfing / Feldenkreis / Swedish / Japanese deep tissue massage. Unfortunately, she flaked out and never returned my call, so I decided to energize my crystals and do some positive imagery because all my visualization techniques and affirmations made my space feel invaded. It was then that I realized Mercury was retrograde, and the solar flares were at a high intensity level. So to get empowered, I got a psychic reading from Mother Heart Love around the issue of my assertiveness so I could feel my radiance and have some energy for my psycho calisthenics and inversion swing before my harmonic brain wave synergy session and sound mattress vibrational tuning. This made me more focused for my actualization seminar, holistic healing class and dream workshop, which in turn made me clearer for my Gestalt behavioral cognitive transpersonal Rechian - Jungian - Freudian - Ericksonian session at the hot springs, but my aura was too weak for my trance channeling group, so I fasted until noon to recharge my chakras. At that point, I sensed my intuition was high and my cycle was focused, so I turned on my ion generator to open up for my Neural Linguistic Programming session. But I needed to have my pyramid recharged before my guided synchronicity meditation, so I got some craniosacral therapy, which aligned me for the fire walk between my tarot card reading and my sensory deprivation tank appointment. But even after all that, I felt what I truly needed was a meaningful relationship to mirror myself, so I went to my personal shaman and then to my guru, but they were no help. So instead I went to the Intensive Whole Life Earth Rebirth Cosmic Expo Symposium Workshop to find someone who really knew what was going on. That didn't help either, so I locked myself in a calcium coated Orgone Box and meditated until 9PM. None of it really worked for me, so I got stoned and drank a whole bottle of wine.............

CATHOLIC PARROTS
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say" the priest inquired.
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun".
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship!"
"Thank you," the woman responded, "This may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered."

THE CLOWN CHAKRA
(from Swami Beyondananda ?)

 The Clown Scientists have found that all our problems can be placed under one heading: Seriousness. Seriousness is the leading cause of everything from Cancer to Reincarnation. Scientists from the Clown Academy have already discovered a new source of healing. It is a psychic energy point located between the heart chakra and the throat chakra. It is called the Clown Chakra. 

If people are feeling miserable, if they have financial problems, if their relationship situation is the pits, if they are in ill health, if they have a need to sue people, if they find fault with their brother, then obviously, their Clown Chakra is closed.

When this happens, the scientists have observed under a high-powered microscope that the cells of every organ display a sad face, and when the Clown Chakra is open and functioning normally, the cells display a happy face.

The scientists realized that if a person is ill, it is because his mind has projected guilt onto the cells if his body and has forced out the love that is normally found within each cell of the body. The cells are therefore saying, "I lack Love," or "ILL" for short. The scientists also discovered that all disease is due to the fact that the cells are out of ease or dis-eased.

When the Clown Chakra is opened and working (or rather, playing) properly, the psychic mechanism sucks up misery, pain, anger, resentment, grievances, unhappiness, etc., and converts the energy into tiny red heart-shaped balloons. The red heart-shaped balloons contain Love and Joy. These balloons are directed to the dis-eased cell or situation, and a happy face appears instantly. When the light enters the darkness, the darkness is gone. Sometimes these red heart-shaped balloons are called endorphins, due to the fact that when anyone experiences them, the feeling of separation ends. They experience being  back home with All That Is and hence are no longer an orphan. This is the well-known end-orphan (endorphin) effect.

So, if you think someone is attacking you, Clown Scientists recommend that you visualize sending that person red heart-shaped balloons filled with Love and Joy. Remember to keep your Clown Chakra open and remember to laugh..

Seriousness causes reincarnation.


Drive Your Karma, Park Your Dogma
Swami Beyondananda's Guidelines for Enlightenment

1. Be a Fundamentalist - make sure the Fun always comes before the Mental. Realize that life is a situation comedy that will never be canceled. A laugh track has been provided, and the reason why we are put in the material world is to get more material.

2. Have a good laughsitive twice a day, and that will ensure regularhilarity. Remember that each of us has been given a special gift, just for entering so you are already a winner!

3. The most powerful tool on the planet today is Tell-A-Vision. That is where I tell a vision to you, and you tell a vision to me. That way, if we don't like the programming we're getting, we can simply change the channel.

4. Life is like photography. You use the negative to develop. And, no matter what adversity you face, be reassured: Of course God loves you. He's just not ready to make a commitment.

5. It is true. As we go through life thinking heavy thoughts, thought particles tend to get caught between the ears, causing a condition called truth decay. So be sure to use mental floss twice a day. And when you're tempted to practice tantrum yoga, remember what we teach in Swami's Absurdiveness Training class: "Don't get even, get odd."

6. If we want world peace, we must let go of our attachments and truly live like nomads. That's where I no mad at you, you no mad at me. That way, there'll surely be nomadness on the planet. And peace begins with each of us. A little peace here, a little peace there, pretty soon all the peaces will fit together to make one big peace everywhere.

7. I know great earth changes have been predicted for the future, so if you're looking to avoid earthquakes, my advice is simple. When you find a fault, just don't dwell on it.

8. There's no need to change the world. All we have to do is toilet train the world, and we'll never have to change it again.

9. If you're looking to find the key to the Universe, I have some bad news and some good news. The bad news is there is no key to the Universe. The good news is it has been left unlocked.

10. Finally, everything I have told you is channeled. That way, if you don't like it, it's not your fault. And remember, enlightenment is not a bureaucracy. So we don't have to go through channels. 

Prayers sorted by Sun Sign

ARIES: "Dear God! Give me PATIENCE and I want it NOW !"

TAURUS "Dear God, please help me accept CHANGE in my life, but NOT YET."

GEMINI: "Yo God (or is it Goddess?).Who are you? What are you? Where are You? How many of you ARE there? I can't figure you out!"

CANCER: "Dear Daddy, I know I shouldn't depend on you so much, but you're the only One I can count on while my security blanket is at the cleaners."

LEO: "Hi, Pop! I'll bet you're really proud to have me as your kid!"

VIRGO: "Dear God, please make the world a better place, and don't screw it up like you did the last time."

LIBRA: "Dear God, I know I should make decisions for myself. But, on the other hand, what do YOU think?"

SCORPIO: "Dear God, help me forgive my enemies, even if the bastards don't deserve it."

SAGITTARIUS: "OH ALMIGHTY, ALL KNOWING, ALL -LOVING, ALL -POWERFUL, OMNIPRESENT, EVERLASTING GOD, IF I'VE ASKED YOU ONCE, I'VE ASKED YOU A THOUSAND TIMES --- HELP ME STOP EXAGGERATING!!!!"

CAPRICORN: "Dear Father, I was going to pray, but I guess I ought to figure things out for myself. Thanks anyway."

AQUARIUS: "Hi God! Some say you're a man. Some say you're a woman. I say we're ALL God. So, why pray? Let's have a party!"

PISCES: "Heavenly Father, as I prepare to consume this last fifth of Scotch to drown out my pain and sorrow, may my inebriation be for Thy greater Honor and Glory."


The Daily Humorscope

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will overhear people talking about you today, and realize that you have a reputation as a real stud hombre cyber-muffin. You will find that intensely irritating.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Excellent day to devour fruit, while making snarling sounds and glaring at persons nearby. Next, tear the heads off the carnations and stuff them partway up your nose, and make strange wuffling sounds while vigorously wiggling your eyebrows. Or don't, if you're going to be stuffy. It's your life.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
People will begin complimenting you on how clean you are. You will find this strangely irritating.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Poit twoonie squaggle? Floon morble tid bubbu taha, hen? Hen?

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Job interview today, eh? Good show! Eat a bunch of oreos just before, and smile a lot. They'll spend their time staring at your teeth, that way. (Not at your resume.)

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You are developing a strangely magnetic personality. Soon people you don't even know will begin hanging around with you, hoping for some small sign of your attention. Also, iron filings will begin sticking to the tip of your nose.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Unknown to you, people think you are a wimp - just because of your weak handshake. You need to get one of those hand exercisers, and use it constantly for a few months. Then, crush their little hands into pulp!

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Good time to consider capitalizing on the wave of 70's nostalgia that is sweeping the land. Why not try making shag carpeting? At least you should sit around in your beanbag chairs and discuss it.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
More fun with twine, today. Isn't it great!?

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Excellent time to make up your own names for kitchen implements. You'll discover that you don't have nearly enough sticklers, but that you have every reason to be proud of your flatula.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
While idly doodling on a notepad, today, you will accidentally draw a symbol sacred to an ancient voodoo deity, and will open a gap into part of the astral plane that is even less appealing than Akron, Ohio.
Ideology and Religion Shit List

  • Taoism: Shit happens.
  • Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit happens."
  • Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
  • Zen Buddhism: Shit is, and is not.
  • Zen Buddhism #2: What is the sound of shit happening?
  • Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
  • Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
  • Islam #2: If shit happens, kill the person responsible.
  • Islam #3: If shit happens, blame Israel.
  • Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.
  • Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else.
  • Presbyterian: This shit was bound to happen.
  • Episcopalian: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve the right wine with it.
  • Methodist: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve grape juice with it.
  • Congregationalist: Shit that happens to one person is just as good as shit that happens to another.
  • Unitarian: Shit that happens to one person is just as bad as shit that happens to another.
  • Lutheran: If shit happens, don't talk about it.
  • Fundamentalism: If shit happens, you will go to hell, unless you are born again. (Amen!)
  • Fundamentalism #2: If shit happens to a televangelist, it's okay.
  • Fundamentalism #3: Shit must be born again.
  • Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?
  • Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work.
  • Seventh Day Adventism: No shit shall happen on Saturday.
  • Creationism: God made all shit.
  • Secular Humanism: Shit evolves.
  • Christian Science: When shit happens, don't call a doctor - pray!
  • Christian Science #2: Shit happening is all in your mind.
  • Unitarianism: Come let us reason together about this shit.
  • Quakers: Let us not fight over this shit.
  • Utopianism: This shit does not stink.
  • Darwinism: This shit was once food.
  • Capitalism: That's MY shit.
  • Communism: It's everybody's shit.
  • Feminism: Men are shit.
  • Chauvinism: We may be shit, but you can't live without us...
  • Commercialism: Let's package this shit.
  • Impressionism: From a distance, shit looks like a garden.
  • Idolism: Let's bronze this shit.
  • Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen; shit IS.
  • Existentialism #2: What is shit, anyway?
  • Stoicism: This shit is good for me.
  • Hedonism: There is nothing like a good shit happening!
  • Mormonism: God sent us this shit.
  • Mormonism #2: This shit is going to happen again.
  • Wiccan: An it harm none, let shit happen.
  • Scientology: If shit happens, see "Dianetics", p.157.
  • Jehovah's Witnesses: >Knock< >Knock< Shit happens.
  • Jehovah's Witnesses #2: May we have a moment of your time to show you some of our shit?
  • Jehovah's Witnesses #3: Shit has been prophesied and is imminent; only the righteous shall survive its happening.
  • Moonies: Only really happy shit happens.
  • Hare Krishna: Shit happens, rama rama.
  • Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!
  • Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half on the time.
  • Church of SubGenius: BoB shits.
  • Practical: Deal with shit one day at a time.
  • Agnostic: Shit might have happened; then again, maybe not.
  • Agnostic #2: Did someone shit?
  • Agnostic #3: What is this shit?
  • Satanism: SNEPPAH TIHS.
  • Atheism: What shit?
  • Atheism #2: I can't believe this shit!
  • Nihilism: No shit.
  • Alcoholics Anonymous:  Shit happens-one day at a time!

  • Women's Favorite E-Mail

    A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.
    He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
    'Dear Lord:
    I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.
    I want her to know what I go through.
    So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.
    Amen!'
     
    God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

    The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
    He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
    Awakened the kids,
    Set out their school clothes,
    Fed them breakfast,
    Packed their lunches,
    Drove them to school,
    Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,
    Took it to the cleaners
    And stopped at the bank to make a deposit,
    Went grocery shopping,
    Then drove home to put away the groceries,
    Paid the bills and balanced the check book.
    He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
    Then, it was already 01P.M.
    And he hurried to make the beds,
    Do the laundry, vacuum, dust,
    And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
    Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.
    Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework.
    Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV wh ile he did the ironing.
    At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
    After supper,
    He cleaned the kitchen,
    Ran the dishwasher,
    Folded laundry,
    Bathed the kids,
    And put them to bed.
    At 09 P.M .
    He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

    The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: 
    'Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.
    I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.
    Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back.
    Amen!'
     
    The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
    'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to t h e way they were.
    You'll just have to wait nine months, though.
    You got pregnant last night.'
    This has been voted Women's Favorite E-mail of the Year!

    HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT
    The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student. The answer by this student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues.
      Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
      Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

    First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.  I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
      Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
    This gives two possibilities:
      1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
      2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
      So which is it?
      If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct, leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

      THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+


    A man appears before the pearly gates.
    "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.
    "Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers."Once I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman.  I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him, "Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me."
    St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"
    "A couple of minutes ago."


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