HUMOROUS TIDBITS
(as far as I know, un-attributed)
Humor
2
Humor
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Humor Spiritual
Humor
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Tasteless Insensitive Jokes
The
Resume of George W. Bush (Political Humor)
(Links
Open as a Pop-Up Window)
Disclaimer
: Even
though this is a "spiritual" web site, I believe humor does have its
place (they say "laughter" is the best medicine for a reason). The
following "jokes" may very well be irreverent,
raunchy, rude, insensitive, incorrect, offensive and
tasteless (if not darn right bad), but no matter -
suspend judgement and simply enjoy.
The top nine comments made by NBC sports
commentators during the (2012) Summer Olympics that they would
like to take back:
1. Weightlifting
commentator: This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this
morning during her warm up and it was amazing.
2. Dressage commentator: This is really a lovely horse and I speak from
personal experience since I once mounted her mother.
3. Gymnast: I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.
4. Boxing Analyst: Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths
in boxing, but none of them really that serious.
5. Softball announcer: If history repeats itself, I should think we can
expect the same thing again.
6. Basketball analyst: He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't
like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the
IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.
8. Soccer commentator: Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've
got eleven Dicks on the field.
9. Tennis commentator: One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is
that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses
them... Oh my God, what have I just said?
Cancel Your Credit
Card Before You Die
(So easy to see happening, customer service being what it
is today).
A lady died this past
January, and Citibank billed her for February and
March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added
late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been
$0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member
placed a call to Citibank. Here is the exchange :
Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'
Citibank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges
still apply.'
Family Member: 'Maybe you should turn it over to collections.'
Citibank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'
Family Member: 'So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
Citibank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her
to the credit bureau, maybe both!'
Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'
Citibank: 'Excuse me?'
Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part
about her being dead?'
Citibank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my
supervisor.'
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with
a $0 balance.'
Citibank: 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still
apply.'
Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'
Citibank: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'
Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given)
Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number was given)
After they get the fax :
Citibank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what
more I can do to help.'
Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could
just keep billing her. She won't care.'
Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.'
(What is wrong with these people?!?)
Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'
Citibank: 'That might help....'
Family Member: ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number
69.'
Citibank: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'
Family Member: 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???'
(Priceless!!)
And you wondered why Citibank needed help from the Feds?
The
Husband Store
A
store that sells new husbands has just opened in "your" city, where a
woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at
the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may
visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value
of the
product increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may
choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the
next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So,
a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.On
the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 -
These men have jobs.
The
second floor sign reads:
Floor
2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The
third floor sign reads:
Floor
3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good
looking.
Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to
keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 -
These men have jobs,
love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with housework.
"Oh,
mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she
goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men
have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with housework, and
have a strong romantic personality.
She is so
tempted to stay, but she goes on to the sixth floor and the
sign reads:
Floor 6
- You are visitor 31,456,012 to this Floor. There are no men
on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
To
avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner also opened a New Wives Store just across the
street.
The first floor
has wives that love sex.
The second floor has
wives that
love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors
have
never been visited.
Male or Female?
You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are
actually either male or female. Here are some
examples:
FREEZER BAGS:
They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right
through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS:
These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm
them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right
buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong
Buttons.
TIRES:
Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated
HOT AIR BALLOONS:
Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to
light a fire under their butt.
SPONGES:
These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES:
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently
getting hit on.
TRAINS:
Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking
up people..
EGG TIMERS:
Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the
bottom .
HAMMERS:
Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all,
and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL:
Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this:
It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he
doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying
CLASSES
FOR MEN
NOTE: DUE TO THE
COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS,
CLASS SIZES
WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
topics
include:
Class 1
How To Fill Ice Cube Trays
Step by Step Guide with Slide Presentation.
Class
2
The Toilet Paper Roll - Does It Change Itself?
Round
Table Discussion.
Class 3
Is It Possible To
Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding
The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?
Group Practice.
Class
4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Basket and The
Floor
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Class
5
After Dinner Dishes - Can They Levitate and Fly Into The
Kitchen Sink by Themselves ?
Examples on Video. Debate Among A
Panel Of Experts
Class 6
Loss Of
Identity/Virility - Losing The Remote Control To Your Significant
Other.
Help Line and Support Groups.
Class 7
Learning
How To Find Things - Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And
Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum .
Class
8
Health Watch - Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your
Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Class 9
Real
Men Ask For Directions When Lost
Real Life Testimonial From One Man Who Did.
Class 10
Is It Genetically
Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
Class 11
Living With Adults -
Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and
Role-Playing.
Class 12
How to be the Ideal
Shopping Companion.
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and
Breathing Techniques.
Class 13
How to Fight
Cerebral Atrophy - Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and
Other
Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral
Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Class
14
The Stove/Oven - What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live
Demonstration.
Class 15
Empty Milk Cartons
- Do They Belong In The Fridge Or The Trash Bin?
Group
Discussion and Roll Playing.
Class 16
Getting
Over It - Learing How To Cope With Being Wrong All The Time.
Individual
Counselling Sessions.
THE
GUYS RULES
Finally, the guys' side of the story.
We
always hear "the rules" from the female side.
Now here are the
rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please
note! these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1). Men
are NOT mind readers.
1).
Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't
hear us complaining
about you leaving it down.
1). Sunday sports. It's
like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1).
Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that
way.
1). Crying is blackmail.
1).
Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle
hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work! Obvious
hints do not work! Just say it!
1). Yes and
No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1).
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what
we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1).
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.
1).
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an
argument. In
fact,
all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1).
If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to
act like soap opera guys.
1). If you think you're
fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1). If
something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes
you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1). You
can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not
both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it
yourself.
1). Whenever possible, Please say whatever
you have to say during commercials.
1). Christopher
Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1).
ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default
settings. Peach,
for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have
no idea what mauve is.
1). If it itches, it will be
scratched. We do that.
1).
If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like
nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is
just not worth the
hassle.
1). If you ask a question you don't want an
answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1).
Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as CARS, the shotgun
formation, or BASKETBALL.
1) You
have enough clothes.
1). You have too many shoes.
1).
I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1). Thank you for
reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch
tonight;
(But did you know men really don't mind
that? It's like camping).
WHY
MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
Men
Are Just Happier People - What do you expect from such simple
creatures? Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is
just another
snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a
white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never
have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just
too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut
on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress
$5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're
talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One
mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You
know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one
suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the
slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he
or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a
three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never
have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your
clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same
hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your
face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one
color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs
look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of
choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for
25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
Bill
Maher's New Rules For 2007 & Beyond
New
Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com ! There's a
reason you don't talk to people for 25 or 30 years.? It's because you
don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain
of the football team is doing these days? He' s mowing my lawn.
New
Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out of a window unless
you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was
found in a bowl of Wendy' s chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar.
What did you expect it to contain? Caviar?
New Rule: Stop saying
that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are
permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky
little bastards.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone.
Here' s how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them?
Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored
water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water,
but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a
soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let
it melt.? That' s your flavored water.
New Rule: Just because
your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual.?
It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "chicken
with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were
praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just
high.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used
to be
just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes, graduations and
getting out of rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other
people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it' s the white people's
version of looting.
New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No
more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a
towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even
tell if he' s supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish.
New
Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
months. "27 Months." "He' s two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese.
And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you
ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than
minimum wage, then for God' s sake don't pierce or tattoo every
available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying"
Do you want fries with that?"
New Rule: Stop screwing with old
people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square,
with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time
grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue.
Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New
Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole
of a customer. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande
half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one
NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule: I'm not the
cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN
number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't
want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to
be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
When
NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that
ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem,
NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 million developing a pen that
writes in zero gravity, upside down, on almost any surface including
glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300C.
The Russians used a pencil.
Getting A Hairdryer Through Customs...
A young woman on a
flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, 'Father,
may I ask a favor?'
'Of course child. What can I do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electric hair dryer for my
Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits,
and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry
it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, 'And what do you
have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but
which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'
Three men were
hiking through a forest...when they came upon a large raging, violent
river.
Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed:
'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.
Poof!!!
God gave him big arms and strong legs...
and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours,having almost drowned
twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed:
'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river'
Poof!!!
God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs...
and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing
once
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed:
'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to
cross the river'
Poof!!!
HE WAS TURNED INTO A WOMAN!!!
She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards upstream...
and walked across the bridge
Guys, if at first you don't succeed, do it the way your wife told you!
Have a wonderful Woman's Day !!! ( I know it's late,but it was too good
to pass by ! )
GO AHEAD, SEND THIS TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH
AND TO ANY MAN WHO CAN HANDLE IT!
A
man was
sitting on the edge of the bed,
observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the
mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she'd like to
have for her Birthday.
"I'd like to be six again," she
replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her
birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and
then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!
He put her
on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the
Screaming Monster Roller Coaster... everything there was. Five hours
later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and
her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he
ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then
it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy,
M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with
her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife
with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being
six again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly
changed.
"I meant my Dress Size, you dummie !"
The
moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is going to get it
wrong.
When
Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father
died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he
went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had
ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like
just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a
week or two, my father will die, and I'll Inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days
later, she became his stepmother.
Black Testicles
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four
hour surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a
partial sponge bath.
Nurse, 'he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed,the young nurse replies 'I don't know,Sir. I'm only here to
wash your upper body.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his
testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back
the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his
testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around
gently. Then, she takes a close look and says,
'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them,
Sir !!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very
closely......
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k?
Subject: Best divorce letter Ever
Dear wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever.
I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show
for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me
that you quit your job today & that was the last straw.Last week,
you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked
your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You
ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of
your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex
or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're
cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever! the case, I'm
gone. Your Ex-Husband
PS. don't try to find me.. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West
Virginia together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Husband;
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you
& I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry
from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out
your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID
notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came
to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not
to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And
when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with
MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new
silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was
still on them, and I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had
just borrowed $50 from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out.
So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job &
bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica , but when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the
fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you
wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born
Carl. I hope that's not a problem.
Two
ways to look at everything
My
wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a
nearby table. I asked my wife, "Do you know him?"
"Yes," she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said to my wife, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"
So you see, there really are 2 ways to look at everything
The Black
Bra
(as told by a woman)
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+
years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men
by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a
mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..
Here's how it all went.
My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black
leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are
the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all
night long.
The mistress:
Me
too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a
raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes.
When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to
tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When
my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings,
stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me
he said,
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"What's for
dinner, Zorro?"
What'd
you say?
FINE:
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they
are right and you need to shut up. Never use fine to describe how a
woman looks. This will cause you to have
one of those arguments.
FIVE
MINUTES: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes
that your football game is going to last before you take out the
trash, so it's an even trade.
NOTHING:
This means something, and you should be on your toes. Nothing
is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting
to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. Nothing usually
signifies an argument that will last Five Minutes and end with
the word Fine.
GO
AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result
in a woman getting upset over Nothing, and will end with the word
Fine.
GO
AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows): This means, I give up! or do what you want
because I don't care. You will get a Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead In just a
few minutes, followed by nothing and Fine and she will talk to you
In about Five Minutes when she cools off.
LOUD
SIGH: This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A Loud Sigh means she thinks you are an idiot
at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here
and arguing with you over nothing.
SOFT
SIGH: Again, not a word, but a nonverbal statement. Soft Sighs mean
that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she
will stay content.
THAT'S
OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman
can make to a man. That's Okay means that she wants to think long
and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have
done. That's Okay is often used with the word Fine and in conjunction
with a Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead. At some point in the near future,
you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE
DO.: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving
you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have
for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance
with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a That's Okay.
THANKS:
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.
THANKS
A LOT: This is much different from
Thanks. A woman will say, Thanks
A Lot when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you
have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the Loud
Sigh. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the Loud Sigh,
as she will only tell you Nothing.
Send
this to the men you know to warn them about future arguments they
can avoid if they remember the terminology.
HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN
HAPPY
All you have to do is to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father figure
6. a teacher
7. an
educator
8. a cook
9. a gardener
10. a carpenter
11. a driver
12. an engineer
13. a
mechanic
14. an interior decorator
15. a stylist
16. a sex therapist
17. a
gynecologist/obstetrician
18. a psychologist
19. a psychiatrist
20. a therapist
21. a good
father
22. a gentleman
23. well organized
24. tidy
25. very clean
26. athletic
27.
affectionate
28. affable
29. attentive
30. ambitious
31. amenable
32. articulate
33. bold
34. brave
35. creative
36. courageous
37. complimentary
38. capable
39. decisive
40.
intelligent
41. imaginative
42. interesting
43. prudent
44. patient
45. polite
46.
passionate
AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST PAY ATTENTION TO MAKE SURE YOU:
47. are neither jealous nor disinterested
48. get on well with her family, but don't spend
more time with them than with her
49. give her space, but show interest and concern in
where she goes
ABOVE ALL IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO:
50. Not forget the dates of: * anniversaries (wedding,
engagement, first date...) * graduation * birthday * menstruation.
However, even if you observe the above instructions perfectly, you are
not 100% guaranteed
that she will be happy, as she could one day feel overcome with the
suffocating perfection
of her life with you and run off with the first wild
bastard-bohemian-drunk- bon viveur
she meets.
GETTING OLDER -
WHAT TO DO?
All drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic name.
Example; the trade name is Tylenol and it's generic name is
Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called
Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it
recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of
Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin,
Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in
liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage
suitable for use as a mixer.
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new
meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good
old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT'nDO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being
spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population
with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of
what to do with them.
