HUMOROUS
TIDBITS
(as far as I know, un-attributed) Humor
II
More
Humor Spiritual
Humor
More Tasteless Insensitive Jokes
The
Resume of George W. Bush (Political Humor)
(Links
Open as a Pop-Up Window)
Disclaimer
: Even
though this is a "spiritual" web site, I believe jokes do have their
place (they say "laughter" is the best medicine for a reason). The following "jokes" may very well be irreverent,
raunchy, rude, sexually
insensitive, politically incorrect, offensive and
exceedingly tasteless (if not darn right bad), but no matter -
suspend judgement and simply enjoy.
The
Husband Store
A
store that sells new husbands has just opened in "your" city, where a
woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at
the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may
visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value
of the
product increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may
choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the
next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So,
a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.On
the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The
second floor sign reads:
Floor
2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The
third floor sign reads:
Floor
3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good
looking.
Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to
keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs,
love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with housework.
"Oh,
mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she
goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men
have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with housework, and
have a strong romantic personality.
She is so
tempted to stay, but she goes on to the sixth floor and the
sign reads:
Floor 6
- You are visitor 31,456,012 to this Floor. There are no men
on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
To
avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner also opened a New Wives Store just across the
street.
The first floor
has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that
love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have
never been visited.
CLASSES
FOR MEN
NOTE: DUE TO THE
COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES
WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM. topics
include:
Class 1
How To Fill Ice Cube Trays
Step by Step Guide with Slide Presentation.
Class
2
The Toilet Paper Roll - Does It Change Itself?
Round
Table Discussion.
Class 3
Is It Possible To
Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding
The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?
Group Practice.
Class
4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Basket and The
Floor
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Class
5
After Dinner Dishes - Can They Levitate and Fly Into The
Kitchen Sink by Themselves ?
Examples on Video. Debate Among A
Panel Of Experts
Class 6
Loss Of
Identity/Virility - Losing The Remote Control To Your Significant
Other.
Help Line and Support Groups.
Class 7
Learning
How To Find Things - Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And
Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum .
Class
8
Health Watch - Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your
Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Class 9
Real
Men Ask For Directions When Lost
Real Life Testimonial From One Man Who Did.
Class 10
Is It Genetically
Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
Class 11
Living With Adults -
Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and
Role-Playing.
Class 12
How to be the Ideal
Shopping Companion.
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and
Breathing Techniques.
Class 13
How to Fight
Cerebral Atrophy - Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and
Other
Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral
Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Class
14
The Stove/Oven - What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live
Demonstration.
Class 15
Empty Milk Cartons
- Do They Belong In The Fridge Or The Trash Bin?
Group
Discussion and Roll Playing.
Class 16
Getting
Over It - Learing How To Cope With Being Wrong All The Time.
Individual
Counselling Sessions.
THE
GUYS RULESFinally, the guys' side of the story.
We
always hear "the rules" from the female side.
Now here are the
rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please
note! these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!
1). Men are NOT mind readers.
1).
Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't
hear us complaining
about you leaving it down.
1). Sunday sports. It's
like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1).
Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that
way.
1). Crying is blackmail.
1).
Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle
hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work! Obvious
hints do not work! Just say it!
1). Yes and
No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1).
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what
we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1).
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.
1).
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact,
all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1).
If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to
act like soap opera guys.
1). If you think you're
fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1). If
something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes
you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1). You
can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it
yourself.
1). Whenever possible, Please say whatever
you have to say during commercials.
1). Christopher
Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1).
ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach,
for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have
no idea what mauve is.
1). If it itches, it will be
scratched. We do that.
1).
If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like
nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is
just not worth the
hassle.
1). If you ask a question you don't want an
answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1).
Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as CARS, the shotgun
formation, or BASKETBALL.
1) You
have enough clothes.
1). You have too many shoes.
1).
I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1). Thank you for
reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch
tonight;
(But did you know men really don't mind
that? It's like camping).
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
Men
Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple
creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another
snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a
white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never
have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just
too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut
on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress
$5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're
talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One
mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You
know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one
suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the
slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he
or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a
three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never
have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your
clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same
hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your
face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one
color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs
look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of
choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for
25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
Bill Maher's New Rules For 2007 & BeyondNew
Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com ! There's a
reason you don't talk to people for 25 or 30 years.? It's because you
don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain
of the football team is doing these days? He' s mowing my lawn.
New
Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out of a window unless
you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was
found in a bowl of Wendy' s chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar.
What did you expect it to contain? Caviar?
New Rule: Stop saying
that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are
permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky
little bastards.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone.
Here' s how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them?
Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored
water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water,
but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a
soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let
it melt.? That' s your flavored water.
New Rule: Just because
your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual.?
It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "chicken
with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were
praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just
high.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be
just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes, graduations and
getting out of rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other
people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it' s the white people's
version of looting.
New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No
more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a
towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even
tell if he' s supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish.
New
Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
months. "27 Months." "He' s two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese.
And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you
ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than
minimum wage, then for God' s sake don't pierce or tattoo every
available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying"
Do you want fries with that?"
New Rule: Stop screwing with old
people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square,
with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time
grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue.
Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New
Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole
of a customer. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande
half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one
NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule: I'm not the
cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN
number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't
want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to
be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
When
NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that
ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem,
NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 million developing a pen that
writes in zero gravity, upside down, on almost any surface including
glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300C.
The Russians used a pencil.
A man was
sitting on the edge of the bed,
observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the
mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she'd like to
have for her Birthday.
"I'd like to be six again," she
replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her
birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and
then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!
He put her
on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the
Screaming Monster Roller Coaster... everything there was. Five hours
later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and
her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he
ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then
it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy,
M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with
her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife
with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being
six again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly
changed.
"I meant my Dress Size, you dummie !"
The
moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is going to get it
wrong.
When
Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father
died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he
went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had
ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like
just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a
week or two, my father will die, and I'll Inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.
Two ways to look at everything
My
wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a
nearby table. I asked my wife, "Do you know him?"
"Yes," she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said to my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
So you see, there really are 2 ways to look at everything
What'd you say?
FINE:
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they
are right and you need to shut up. Never use fine to describe how a
woman looks. This will cause you to have
one of those arguments.
FIVE
MINUTES: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes
that your football game is going to last before you take out the
trash, so it's an even trade.
NOTHING:
This means something, and you should be on your toes. Nothing
is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting
to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. Nothing usually
signifies an argument that will last Five Minutes and end with
the word Fine.
GO
AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result
in a woman getting upset over Nothing, and will end with the word
Fine.
GO
AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows): This means, I give up! or do what you want
because I don't care. You will get a Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead In just a
few minutes, followed by nothing and Fine and she will talk to you
In about Five Minutes when she cools off.
LOUD
SIGH: This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A Loud Sigh means she thinks you are an idiot
at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here
and arguing with you over nothing.
SOFT
SIGH: Again, not a word, but a nonverbal statement. Soft Sighs mean
that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she
will stay content.
THAT'S
OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman
can make to a man. That's Okay means that she wants to think long
and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have
done. That's Okay is often used with the word Fine and in conjunction
with a Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead. At some point in the near future,
you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE
DO.: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving
you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have
for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance
with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a That's Okay.
THANKS:
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.
THANKS
A LOT: This is much different from
Thanks. A woman will say, Thanks
A Lot when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you
have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the Loud
Sigh. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the Loud Sigh,
as she will only tell you Nothing.
Send
this to the men you know to warn them about future arguments they
can avoid if they remember the terminology.
HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY
All you have to do is to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father figure
6. a teacher
7. an
educator
8. a cook
9. a gardener
10. a carpenter
11. a driver
12. an engineer
13. a
mechanic
14. an interior decorator
15. a stylist
16. a sex therapist
17. a
gynecologist/obstetrician
18. a psychologist
19. a psychiatrist
20. a therapist
21. a good
father
22. a gentleman
23. well organized
24. tidy
25. very clean
26. athletic
27.
affectionate
28. affable
29. attentive
30. ambitious
31. amenable
32. articulate
33. bold
34. brave
35. creative
36. courageous
37. complimentary
38. capable
39. decisive
40.
intelligent
41. imaginative
42. interesting
43. prudent
44. patient
45. polite
46.
passionate
AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST PAY ATTENTION TO MAKE SURE YOU:
47. are neither jealous nor disinterested
48. get on well with her family, but don't spend
more time with them than with her
49. give her space, but show interest and concern in
where she goes
ABOVE ALL IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO:
50. Not forget the dates of: * anniversaries (wedding,
engagement, first date...) * graduation * birthday * menstruation.
However, even if you observe the above instructions perfectly, you are
not 100% guaranteed
that she will be happy, as she could one day feel overcome with the
suffocating perfection
of her life with you and run off with the first wild
bastard-bohemian-drunk- bon viveur
she meets...
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