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FACTS TO PONDER:
Doctors:
(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.
(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.
Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health Human Services.

Now think about this:
Guns:
(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000. (Yes, that's 80 million.)
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.
(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188.
Statistics courtesy of FBI
So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN,
BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.
We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!

Out of concern for the public at large, I have withheld the statistics on Lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention.


MORE PONDERISMS
  • I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
  • Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
  • The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
  • Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
  • There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
  • Life is sexually transmitted.
  • Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
  • The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
  • Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
  • Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
  • Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
  • Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
  • All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
  • In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
  • Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
  • How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
  • Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
  • Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."
  • Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
  • If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
  • Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
  • Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up your_______anyway?
  • Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
  • If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
  • If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
  • If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
  • If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
  • Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
  • Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
  • Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
  • Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
  • Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
  • Can you cry under water?
  • How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
  • Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
  • Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
  • Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
  • What disease did cured ham actually have?
  • How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
  • Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
  • If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
  • Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
  • Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
  • Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
  • Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
  • Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
  • If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
  • Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
  • Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?

  • QUESTIONS FOR WHICH PEOPLE HAVE NO "GOOD" ANSWERS
    Can you cry under water?
    How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
    Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going?
    Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
    Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
    What disease did cured ham actually have?
    Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?
    If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
    Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
    Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
    Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway...
    Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
    Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
    If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
    If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
    Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?They're both dogs!
    If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
    If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
    Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
    Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
    Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
    Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
    Why, Why, Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
    Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?
    Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
    Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
    Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
    Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
    Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
    Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
    Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
    Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
    How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
    In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
    How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?


    Very interesting historical information about life in the 1500's
    The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the1500s:
  • Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
  • Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water.
  • Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying . It's raining cats and dogs.
  • There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.
  • The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a thresh hold.
    (Getting quite an education, aren't you?)
  • In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.  Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.
  • Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.
  • Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
  • Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.
  • Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.
  • England is old and small and the local folks started running out of  places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they  would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be saved by the bell or was considered a...dead ringer..
    And that's the truth...Now, whoever said History was boring ! ! 

  • Andy Rooney's CBS Newsman Tips for Handling Telemarketers
    Three Little Words That Work !!
    (1)The three little words are: "Hold On, Please..." Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt. Then when you eventually hear the phone company's "beep-beep-beep" tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task. These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting.

    (2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end? This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone. This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a "real" sales person to call back and get someone at home. What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible This confuses the machine that dialed the call and it kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have your name in their system any longer !!!

    (3) Junk Mail Help: When you get "ads" enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these "ads" with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away. When you get those "pre-approved" letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope. Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right? It costs them more than the regular 41 cents postage "IF" and when they receive them back. It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around 50 cents before the last increase and it is accor ding to the weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-paid return envelopes.

    One of Andy Rooney's (60 minutes) ideas.
    Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their blank application back! If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them. You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! It still costs them 41 cents. The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their own junk back in the mail, but folks, we need to OVERWHELM them. Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it...Twice! Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, and that's why they need to increase postage costs again You get the idea! If enough people follow these tips, it will work ---- I have been doing this for years, and I get very little junk mail anymore.
    TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!!
    First,  we survived being born to mothers who smoked  and/or drank while they were pregnant.
    They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.
    Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.
    We had no child proof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

    As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.
    Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.
    We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
    We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE  actually died from this.
    We  ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and  drank Kool-aid made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because...
    WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!
    We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
    No one was able to reach us all day. And we were OK..
    We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps  and then ride down the hill, only to find out we  forgot the brakes After running into the  bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
    We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's,  X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or  CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or chat rooms...
    WE HAD FRIENDS  and we went outside and found them!
    We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
    We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
    We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and  tennis balls and although we were told it would  happen, we did not poke out very many eyes.
    We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!
    Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine  that!!
    The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

    These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!
    The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
    We had  freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!
    If YOU are one of them CONGRATULATIONS!

    You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as  kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good.
    While you are at it,  forward it to your kids so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were.

    Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

    Q and A
    Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
    A. Their birthplace
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    Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
    A. Obsession
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    Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
    A. One thousand
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    Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
    A. All were invented by Women.
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------
    Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
    A. Honey
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    Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
    A. Father's Day

    Interesting
  • In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have 'the rule of thumb'.
  • Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word "GOLF" entered into the English language.
  • The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
  • Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S.Treasury.
  • Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
  • Coca-Cola was originally green.
  • It is impossible to lick your elbow.
  • The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work : Alaska
  • The percentage of Africa that is wilderness : 28% (now get this...)
  • The percentage of North America that is wilderness : 38%
  • The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven : $6,400
  • The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour : 61,000
  • Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
  • The first novel ever written on a typewriter : Tom Sawyer.
  • The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
  • Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history : Spades - King David. Hearts - Charlemagne. Clubs - Alexander, the Great. Diamonds - Julius Caesar.
  • 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
  • If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
  • Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
  • In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."
  • It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink.
  • Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
  • In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down."It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's".
  • Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
    AND FINALLY
  • At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!

  • This may look weird, but believe it or not, you can read it.
    I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

    The Price of Gas versus Printer Ink
    (prices quoted as of April 2008)
    All these examples do NOT imply that gasoline is cheap; it just illustrates how outrageous some prices are....
    You will be really shocked by the last one!
    (At least, I was...)


    Compared with Gasoline......


    Think a gallon of gas is expensive?
    This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective.

    Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ... $10.32 per gallon
    Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 ... $9.52 per gallon
    Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 ... $10.17 per gallon
    Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 ... $10.00 per gallon
    Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 ... $33.60 per gallon
    Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 ... $178.13 per gallon
    Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 ... $123.20 per gallon
    Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ...  $25.42 per gallon
    Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 ... $84.48 per gallon
    And this is the REAL KICKER...
    Evian water 9 oz $1.49... $21.19 per gallon!
    $21.19 for WATER and the buyers don't even know the source
    (Evian spelled backwards is Naive.)

    Ever wonder why printers are so cheap?
    So they have you hooked for the ink.
    Someone calculated the cost of the ink at...............
    (you won't believe it....but it is true........)
    $5,200 a gal. (five thousand two hundred dollars)

    So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on
    water, Scope, Whiteout, Pepto Bismol, Nyquil or God forbid, Printer Ink!

    Just a little humor to help ease the pain of your next trip to the pump...

    And - If you don't pass this along to at least one person,
    your muffler will fall off!!

    Okay, your muffler won't really fall off... but you might run out of toilet paper

    Gentle thoughts for today...
  • Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
  • When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
  • A penny saved is a government oversight.
  • The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
  • The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
  • He who hesitates is probably right.
  • Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL.
  • "If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
  • If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
  • The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
  • There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
  • Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs."
  • Things You Wish You Had The Guts To Say

  • I can see your point, but I still think you're full of crap.
  • I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
  • How about never? Is never good for you?
  • I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
  • I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
  • I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
  • I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
  • I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
  • It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
  • Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
  • I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
  • You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
  • I have plenty of talent and vision, I just don't give a damn.
  • Visualizing? I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
  • I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you being competent.
  • Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
  • The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
  • Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
  • What am I?... Flypaper for freaks!
  • And your cry-baby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
  • Do I look like a people person?
  • I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
  • Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
  • If I throw a stick, will you leave?
  • Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
  • Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
  • I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
  • A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
  • Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
  • Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
  • CHAOS, PANIC, & DISORDER - my work here is done.
  • How do I set a laser printer to stun?
  • I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

  • YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 WHEN...
    1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
    2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
    3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
    4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
    5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
    6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
    7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
    8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
    10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
    11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
    12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing
    13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
    14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
    15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.

    AIRLINE HUMOR
    Just in case you need a laugh: Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs. After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

    Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

    P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
    S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

    P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
    S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

    P: Something loose in cockpit.
    S: Something tightened in cockpit.

    P: Dead bugs on windshield.
    S: Live bugs on back-order.

    P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
    S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

    P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
    S: Evidence removed.

    P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
    S: DME volume set to more believable level.

    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
    S: That's what friction locks are for.

    P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
    S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

    P: Suspected crack in windshield.
    S: Suspect you're right.

    P: Number 3 engine missing.
    S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

    P: Aircraft handles funny.
    S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

    P: Target radar hums.
    S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

    P: Mouse in cockpit.
    S: Cat installed.

    And the best one for last....
    P: Noise coming from under instrument panel.
    Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
    S: Took hammer away from midget

    The English Language
    Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?
    Let's face it. English is a crazy language:
    There is no egg in the eggplant.
    No ham in the hamburger.
    And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
    English muffins were not invented in England.
    French fries were not invented in France.
    We sometimes take English for granted, but if we examine its paradoxes we find that...
    Quicksand takes you down slowly.
    Boxing rings are square
    And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
    If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
    If the plural of tooth is teeth, shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth,
    If the teacher taught, why didn't the preacher praught.
    If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what the does a humanitarian eat?
    Why do people recite at a play, yet play at a recital?
    Park on driveways and Drive on parkways.
    You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language where a house can burn up as it burns down.
    And in which you fill in a form by filling it out.
    And a bell is only heard once it goes!
    English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race
    (Which of course isn't a race at all)
    That is why when the stars are out they are visible, but when the lights are out they are invisible
    and why it is that when I wind up my watch it starts, but when I wind up this observation, it ends.


    From a mathematical viewpoint:
    What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
    Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
    We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%
    How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
    Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

    If:
    A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
    is represented as:
    1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
    Then:
    H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
    8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
    and
    K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
    11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
    But,
    A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
    1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
    And,
    B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
    2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
    AND
     look how far ass kissing will take you.
    A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
    1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

    So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the BullshiT and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top !

    A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed,. It was addressed "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands.

    Dear Dad, it is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing this. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Barbara and she is so nice, even with all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight motocycle clothes. But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Barbara said that  we will be very happy. Even though you do't care for her, as she is much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.
    Barbara taught me that marijuna doesn't really hurt anyone, and we'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Barbara gets better; she sure deserves it ! Don't worry dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your grandchildren. Your son, John.
    P.S. Dad, none of this is true; I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worst things in life than my report card, which is in my desk center drawer. (Call when it's safe for me to come home).
    From Steven Wright, who sees things differently than most of us . . .  
    Some of his gems:
     
    1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
    2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
    3 - Half the people you know are below average.
    4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
    5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
    6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
    7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
    8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
    9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
    10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
    11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met.
    12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
    13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
    14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
    15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
    16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
    17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
    18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
    19 - I intend to live forever.... So far, so good.
    20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
    21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
    22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
    23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
    24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.
    25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
    26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
    27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
    28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
    29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
    30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
    31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
    32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
    33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
    34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
    35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
    36 -  I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates. 

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