-AND MORE HUMOR-The Funniest First Date Story EVER !
If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
She said it was midwinter... Snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started
peeing. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concern s about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off" and in need of some assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.
So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the To night Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was embarrassing.
Jay Leno's comment... "This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off!"
Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.
Clyde decided his injuries from his accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.
"Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you or did you not say 'I'm fine' at the scene of the accident?"
Clide said "Well, yes, but I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded.
"Well, like I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. About that time a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me and said 'And how are you feeling?'"
7 reasons to crawl under a rock!
1. CURL UP AND DIE.... I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"- Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin TX
2. PAD PLEASE.... An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest. - Kate Newman,46, Winston-Salem, NC
3. HO, HO, HO.... I was taking a shower when my 2 year old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a camera! - Name Withheld
4. LADY GOLFER.... I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls." - Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI
5. NUTS ABOUT YOU.... My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget. Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD
6. PRICELESS.... A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
7. MOM'S ADVICE.... A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your Mom," she screamed. "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days
you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months,
enough gas is produced to equal the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body.
The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!?")
The flea can jump 350 times its body length.
It's like a human jumping the length of a couple of football fields.
(30 minutes..... can you imagine???)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life - quality over quantity.)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing.....)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Star fish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig???)
The Importance of Walking
Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell he is.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing..
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate..
I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years...... just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.
A man returns from a trip to Shanghai and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a series of tests. The man wakes up after these tests in a private room at the hospital and the phone by his bed rings.
"This is your doctor," says the voice on the phone. "We have the results back from your test and... I'm sorry, you have an extremely contagious deadly disease known as G.A.S.H.
"G.A.S.H?" replies the man. "What in the world is that?"
"It's a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, SARS and Herpes," explains the doctor.
"My gosh, Doc!" screams the man in a panic, "what are we going to do?"
"Well, we're going to put you on a strict diet of pizza, pancakes, quesadillas and pita bread," says the doctor matter-of- factly.
"Will that cure me?"
"Well, no," says the doctor, "but it's the only food that will fit under the door."
The Pillsbury Doughboy - May he R.I.P.
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was truly a positive roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes. If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and the take time to pass it on. Share a smile with someone else who kneads it. They may be having a crumby day.
Who reads which paper and why
The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run
Why did the chicken cross the road????
LUTHER KING, JR.:
JAMES T. KIRK:
Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide . .
Let's see now...
No Nude Women
No car races
No tailgate parties
No Wal Mart
No pork BBQ
No hot dogs
No chocolate chip cookies
No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks
No Beer nuts
Rags for clothes and towels for hats.
Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors.
Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.
More than one wife.
They can't shave.
Their wives can't shave.
They can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.
Your bride is picked by someone else.
She smells just like your donkey.
But your donkey has a better disposition.
Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!
I mean really, is there a mystery here?
Why I dont like visiting rich people :
Once when visiting a very rich friend of mine , the maid approached and asked me......
1- Question : What would you like to have for a drink, fruit juice, soda, tea , hot chocolate, cappuccino, frappuccino or coffee?
Answer: Tea please.
2- Question : Ceylon tea, Indian tea, herbal tea, bush tea, honey bush tea, iced tea or green tea ?
Answer : Ceylon tea please
3- Question : How would you like it, black or white?
Answer : White
4- Question : Milk or fresh cream?
Answer : With milk
5- Question : Powdered milk or fresh milk ?
Answer : Aah, fresh
6- Question : Goat's milk or cow's milk?
Answer : cow's milk please
7- Question : Freezeland cow or Afrikaner cow?
Answer: umm , think I'll just take it black
8- Question : would you like it with a sweetener, sugar or honey or without ?
Answer : with sugar
9- Question : beet sugar or cane sugar ?
Answer : cane sugar
10- Question : white, brown or yellow sugar?
Answer: Oh ya, forget about the tea, just give me a glass of water instead.
11- Question : mineral water , tap water or distilled water?
Answer : mineral water
12- Question : flavoured or non-flavoured?
Answer: I think I'll just die of thirst !!!!!!!!
13- Question : How do you choose to die sir ?????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A little mid-day pun...
(1) Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
(2) Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
(3) Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
(4) A three-legged dog "gimps" into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
(5) A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to cease and disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
(6) A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so
up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy
from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the
competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but
would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored
him. So, the rival florist hired "Happy" Hugh MacTaggart, the
roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close.
Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be
if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby
proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
(9) Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
(10) And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Gentle thoughts for today
HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A FLY
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.Learn Chinese in 5 minutes
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
And you probably thought this would be dirty... shame on YOU!!
This is a story about A Fly, a Fish, a Bear, A Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat.
There is a moral to this story...... but maybe not the one most of you expect.... So, read on!
In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream. The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular
"Gosh...if I go down three inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."
There was a fish in the water thinking
"Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him."
There was a bear on the shore thinking
"Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches
that fish will jump for the fly...
and I will grab the fish!!"
It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich.
"Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches...
and that fish leaps for it...
that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.
I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."
Now, you probably think this is enough activity on one river bank, but I can tell you there's more.
A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking,
"Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches...
and that fish jumps for that fly..
and that bear grabs for that fish..
the dumb hunter will shoot the bear
and drop his cheese sandwich."
A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought
(as was fashionable to do on the banks of This particular river around lunch time)
"Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches..
and that fish jumps for that fly..
and that bear grabs for that fish..
and that hunter shoots that bear..
and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich..
then I can have mouse for lunch."
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water.
The fish swallows the fly...
The bear grabs the fish..
The hunter shoots the bear..
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...
The cat jumps for the mouse..
The mouse ducks...
The cat falls into the water and drowns.
NOW, The Moral Of The Story....
Whenever a fly goes down three inches,
Some pussy is gonna be in serious danger.
-You MUST read them aloud-
That's not right
Sum Ting Wong
Are you harboring a fugitive?
Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me ASAP
Kum Hia Nao
Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach?
Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table
Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni
I think you need a face lift
Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here
Wai So Dim
I thought you were on a diet
Wai Yu Mun Ching
This is a tow away zone
No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week
Wai Yu Kum Nao
Staying out of sight
Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his automobile
Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive
Yu Stin Ki Pu
Fa Kin Su Pa
Leroy is a 20 year-old 5th grader. This is Leroy's homework assignment. He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence.
1. Hotel - I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tel everybody.
2. Dictate - My girlfriend say my dictate good.
3. Rectum - I had two Cadillac's, but my bitch rectum both.
4. Disappointment - My parole officer tol' me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the joint.
5. Penis - I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis.
6. Israel - Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "Man, it look fake."
He say, "Bullshit, that watch israel."
7. Undermine - There's a fine lookin' ho living in the apartment undermine.
8. Fortify - I axed this ho on da street, "How much?" she say "forti! fy."
Furthering your education with Today's Ebonic word....
Today's word is: "OMELETTE"
Let us use it in a sentence.
"I should pop yo ass fo what you jus did, but omelette dis one slide."
Urgent = News flash
!! ATTENTION !!
ALIENS ARE COMING TO ABDUCT ALL THE GOOD LOOKING SEXY PEOPLE.
YOU WILL PROBABLY BE SAFE, I'M JUST EMAILING TO SAY GOODBYE.
Copyright 1999 - 2012. David Isaacson. No portion of information in this website may be reproduced or distributed in any form without prior permission from the author. All rights reserved.